College was a safe place for your sexual escapades to go awry, so long as you didn't contract testicle weevils. But college is over; you're a grown-ass member of society now, and there's no excuse repeating these same mistakes. Those girls you slapped sloppy giblets with are now women. Women who expect to bang it out with a man, not a man-child. They want dudes who can spell, and possibly locate, their clitoris. Pimp masters, not auto-lobotomized reprobates desperately clinging to an allegedly glorious past they can't remember.
So clean up those Kleenex balls from off your computer keyboard. Throw away the black light. Practice not spontaneously ejaculating at the mere rumor of a female vagina. And ponder these wise solutions to bad habits.
1. Lighting Up Incense
Burning incense didn't even make sense back in school. Your room smelled like pot, beer funk and feet grease. All burning a stick of incense did was add a noxious layer of sweet, hippie dirt smoke to the smell of human purification. Besides, what are you? A hippie?
Post-College Solution: Try a votive candle, or a candle that smells like vanilla, or some other kind of food. Women love food-inspired candles.
2. Pre-Game Shots of Jager
Nothing is more romantic than the taste of licorice-laced vomit. Jager doesn't really loosen anyone up, unless you count bowels. It just insures that she won't remember your 30 seconds of glory. Which is a plus, but only if you never want to have sex again.
Post-College Solution: This is the only time and place for white wine. A normally noxious and useless liquid, a glass or two is totally appropriate when seducing a woman.
3. Ironic or Non-Ironic Power Rangers Bedsheets
A woman's skin is soft, because they're made out of clouds and butterfly kisses. So not only does she find your cartoon-bedecked sheets creepy, she hates the fact that they are so cheap, they feel like sandpaper on her skin. (Hint: You want her in the bed. Right?)
Post-College Solution: Men really shouldn't waste brain cells on concepts like "thread counts" when it comes to sheets. Just know that anything over 200 pleases the ladies. Something called "Egyptian cotton 800 thread count" will make most women squeal with glee.
4. Wearing Socks to Bed
College is one giant fashion get-out-of-jail-free card. Tank tops, sweatpants and baseball caps glued to your head with sweat? It's all good, hoss. Sex with a single toe sticking out of your gym socks? Whatevs. Welcome to the rest of your life, Casanova. Tighty-whiteys go first, then the socks. What, do you need your mother to undress you?
Post-College Solution: Keeping your socks on during sex is just a way of saying you are blind to details. And as the saying goes, the devil is in those details. For her, so are the orgasms.
5. Showing Off the Condom Drawer
Once upon a time, your bedside table had a drawer overflowing with free condoms. Maybe the idea was, the more condoms you own, the more potential booty you will have. Which is truly freshman-level logic. A pile of latex sheaths does not communicate sexual potency to a woman, just slightly perverted desperation. The same is true for tubs of hump spackle.
Post-College Solution: Start embracing the small acts of subtlety required after you graduate. Three little packets of condoms casually stashed next to the bed is all you need. Any more, and you're falsely advertising virility you do not possess.
6. One Minute of Foreplay Is Not Enough
Women need to be warmed up a little before crunching it. It's just a fact of nature, and oh the rewards to the man who invests in her pleasure. But know this: a minute of fumbling, finger blasting and sloppy oral sex is just not enough for her. It wasn't in college, and isn't now.
Post-College Solution: A good rule of thumb is this: When performing oral sex, spell out the "ABCs" with your tongue. Do it a couple of times. This is a good beginning.
7. "The Iron Rabbit" Is Not a Sex Position
You know "the iron rabbit"; it's when a dude jackhammers away like he was born to a human for a mother and a bunny for a father. It's just furtive, manic pounding away and maybe it was excusable when you first lost your virginity. Not anymore, Bugs. It can be painful to the woman, and more importantly, it tells her you have no style, self-control or sexual self-awareness. Remember: Slow and steady wins the race.
Post-College Solution: Let her be on top, and take mental note of her rhythms. This will take a degree of concentration you might not be capable of, but try. Take a mental note, and replicate this once it's your turn to tackle the nanny.
There really is no reason why a man with armpit hair who can be drafted into the Army cannot locate, and stimulate, the one part of a woman's body most likely to give her an orgasm. It's really not that hard to find. The Internet was specifically invented to answer such questions. Memorize that part of a woman's anatomy, and tend to it accordingly.
Post-College Solution: Imagine an alternate reality where women can't find a man's penis. Frustrating! It is not necessary for you to excavate her lil' bean, but loving attention is mandatory.
9. Dave Matthews Band
The music you played in college while churning it should stay in college. Dave Matthews Band doesn't set the mood for anyone in this century. Try asking her what she would like to listen to, pre-game. We're pretty sure it's not going to be Maroon 5, Creed or James Blunt. Man, your musical tastes suck.
Post-College Solution: Have faith, always, in the smooth, slow jams. Al Green, Prince, John Legend? Yes. Drowning Pool? Not so much.