Fat girls make chubby girls look hot. The same theory applies to actors and animals, except the furry thespians often outact the humans.

<i>Strange Brew,</i> Bob and Doug McKenzie- It's not that Bob and Doug—Canada's greatest exports aside from ice and maple syrup—weren't stellar in this flick, it's just that their dog, Hosehead, was so awesome. It's hard to top an alcoholic canine who sprouts a cape and saves the day just when his masters desperately needed a beer.

<i>Monkey Shines,</i> The Humans- George Romero was such a respected horror director at the time that all he had to say was, "I want to make a movie about a killer monkey," and studios were throwing money at him. What they forgot to throw at him, though, was talent. There wasn't one, not even ONE, actor in this movie who isn't as wooden as a hard-on in pervert's row with a stack of singles.

<i>Willard,</i> Crispin Glover- Thanks to YouTube, everyone can revisit David Letterman's most awkward career moment ever. That would be back in 1989 when Crispin Glover literally lost his mind live on his show and narrowly missed kicking Letterman in the face. Glover is still a complete weirdo, but damn, the mice in this movie are REALLY, REALLY freaky. Still, Letterman states he'd still rather spend the night with a roomful of mice than a minute with Glover.

<i>Dr. Dolittle,</i> Eddie Murphy- At a certain age, every comedian who's ever said a crude thing in their life feels like they have to make up for it by appearing in a lame-ass children's movie. Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Sinbad, they've all done it. And while it doesn't necessarily indicate that you're no longer funny, it's definitely a pretty good indicator you don't have a lot of laughs left in the Hilarium tank.

<i>Anaconda,</i> Jon Voight and Jennifer Lopez- Voight and Lopez were nominated in 1997 as Worst Screen Couple. And if you actually saw this movie, you'd have to agree. We know that there's all kinds of "bad" out there, like "good bad," "so bad it's bad-good-bad," "Michael Jackson bad"; but this one is just B.A.D. As in, Big-Ass Downer.

<i>Free Willy,</i> Michael Madsen- Seeing über-tough guy Mr. Blond act as a foster father to a sickly child with a thing for whales was very difficult indeed, but we were patient, we waited to see what would happen. But against all expectation, the whale doesn't get whacked at the end of the movie, it doesn't even get beaten with a pool cue. It doesn't get its eyes gouged out and have gasoline poured on it. Hell, they didn't even turn it into perfume, and that happens all the time in real life. All in all, a very poor job, Mr. Blond, very poor indeed.

<i>Dunston Checks In,</i> Jason Alexander- We're not sure if it's a credit to the monkey or to Alexander, but as actors they're neck and neck in this film. Quite seriously, they had real chemistry. And according to insiders, sparks flew on set. We're assuming that, like most on-set romances, it quickly cooled when the production ended, and they went back to sleeping in separate cages.

<i>Hot to Trot,</i> Bobcat Goldthwait- Don the Horse has great horse sense, a cool haircut, and likes to party (i.e.: he humps Volvos). A young Bobcat is pretty tight as the idealistic misfit wandering through corporate America, but he's totally outclassed by Don, in part thanks to John Candy, who does the horse's voice, but mostly because he gives rock-solid stock market tips.

<i>Top Dog,</i> Chuck Norris- Top Dog, was OK, but it was no Turner & Hooch. In fact, even Belushi's K-9 was better. Come to think of it, The Karate Dog actually had better action scenes. Jeez, all things considered, Chuck, we love you, but Top Dog is NOT man's best friend, and it's definitely not man's best film.

<i>Ed,</i> Matt LeBlanc- Let's explain what is so impressive about a monkey playing baseball: It's a monkey PLAYING baseball! He's not just dressed in a ball cap pooping in his Yankees jersey, HE'S PLAYING BASEBALL! IT'S OUR NATIONAL PASTIME! Inevitably, our streets will run with blood and our monkey overlords will hunt us for sport while they feast on our innards. Don't say we didn't warn you.

<i>Every Which Way But Loose,</i> Clint Eastwood- If you told Clint Eastwood back in the day that his highest-grossing movie (in theaters) would be a slapstick trucker comedy involving an orangutan and a bumbling biker gang, he'd probably have given you a deadpanned "OK." We kept waiting for the part where Clint snaps and blows away everything in sight with a high-powered handgun, saying things like, "That's not my monkey." But it never happened.

<i>Jaws: The Revenge,</i> Mario Van Peebles- It was at this point in the Jaws series that the writers were tossing around ideas like, "What if Jaws was actually from another planet and needed to get into a human body to warn everybody about the upcoming tuna wars?" Seriously, they made the shark so smart that she could recognize people who weren't even in the water, and Van Peebles was just plain New Jack Shitty.