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Bargument - Twinkies vs. Hostess Cupcakes

Getting drunk and arguing about incredibly trivial stuff is as American as getting drunk.  So, for this weekend, we decided to get drunk and pose the question; What's better, a Twinkie or a Hostess Cupcake?



If you have a problem with Hostess Cupcakes, then you have a problem with yourself. The welcome mat of deliciously dark frosting that sits atop a jet black cake is one of the greatest inventions of the human race. Comparing it to the Twinkie is like comparing Van Halen to Van Hagar (the cupcake is Van Halen.) Sure, the Twinkie has some decent moments, but overall it’s lacking in depth, complexity and, looking back, it’s hard to understand what you ever liked about it.

Let’s break down the Twinkie: On the one hand it’s kind of shaped like a penis. And the “brown bottom” makes it looks like some of those weird dudes in pornos who’s shaft is oddly discolored. So now you’re cramming a cream-filled weirdo porno-penis into your mouth whose mascot is a dude who’s wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, a bandana and cowboy boots. I have nothing against alternative lifestyles, but this isn’t the first thing I reach for when it’s time for dessert.

And what’s the flavor of the Twinkie? Try and describe it. It’s…uh..white? I don’t even know. It tastes like bland. While the Hostess Cupcake has a very distinct flavor of chocolate. AND it’s got the icing, which the Twinkie doesn’t even have. What a gyp. It’s like Hostess made the Twinkie and was like, “Yeah, this is pretty good, but what if we gave it actual flavor and some icing and called it a Cupcake?” And then everyone who had any taste was like “Yeah, this is better.” And then everyone who didn’t was like “I miss Van Hagar. ‘Dreams’ was an awesome song.”




Hostess cupcakes are just a crappy attempt at copying the twinkie. They are the "Deep Impact" to the Twinkie's "Armageddon." Twinkie even came out and said "our product can last a hundred years on a shelf, and still be edible" and even with that knowledge, people still eat the shit out of them. That'd be like a woman telling you "I just have to let you know, before we have sex, there's these weird things that live in my vagina," and you responding with "Big deal, it's freak nasty time!" Not to mention, the best part about the twinkie is that the cream oozes out of the bottom, just in case you decide you feel like milking the twinkie like a cow and drinking it's filling. Hostess chocolate cup cake is just a shitty chocolate cake with a tiny bit of cream filling in the middle, meaning there are lots of bites that have no cream in them at all. At that point you're just eating a half assed chocolate cake that looks like the kind of shit your uncle gives you on your birthday because he feels bad he molested you.