The Champion: Mike Dawson
Senior Associate Editor
In a weight-loss contest there are no losers, except for the Four losers I dominated in this competition. Eat it, fatsos!
Over the past 8 weeks, I’ve developed a lusty crush on eating right and working out regularly. I sleep better, feel better, and while the girls still giggle when I drop trou, my newfound confidence helps me muscle through my shameful tears.
How’d I do it? Want to lose weight and get in shape fast? Set a goal a month or two out which involves removing your shirt in front of people (a summer 10K, a beach vacation, a Playgirl pictorial). My goal? Trying to ratchet down (a little) the embarrassment of being photographed shirtless in the upcoming June issue. I didn’t want my fuckin’ man boobs jiggling in front of 2.5 million snarky Maxim subscribers. Finally, don’t eat like a friggin’ pig. Follow my advice and soon you’ll be sheddin’ and shreddin’ like me, you fat bitches.
Starting Weight: 168 lbs.End Weight: 156 lbs.
CHALLENGE RESULTS:Squats at 100lb: 55
Right to left 5.14sec
Dan Bova
Executive Editor
In trying to win this contest, I’ve learned one major
lesson: I should have been taking HGH like Dawson did. Other tips I picked up
along the way:
My food delivery service, Nutropia taught me that having little snacks over the
course of the day keeps me from wanting to eat three bags of Funyons and a
pig’s ass at the end of it. The food was tasty and filling, and waking up to a
bag of fresh food on the doorstep gave my morning boner a reason for existing.
Starting Weight: 159 lbs.
End Weight: 148 lbs
CHALLENGE RESULTS:Squats at 95lb: 38 Pushups in 60 seconds: 62
Right to left 6:00sec
Features Editor
From the beginning it was pretty clear to me that this was a
two-horse race between Mike and Dan. To their thoroughbreds, Jesse was a
lumbering Clydesdale and Pat a pretty pony. As for me, well there’s no real way
to contain a wild mustang like myself. But seriously, this wasn’t about
winning. It was about narcissism.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel much better all around than I did two months ago,
but I could really give two shits about whether I squat more than Dan Fucking
Bova. More primary motivating force...make that my SOLE motivating force, was not
to embarrass myself in the “After” photos. I’m not going to lie: I looked like
ass. Pasty, doughy, ragged. But eight weeks later – through the vomiting, the
nurtisystem, the fractured limbs, and the sight of that really old dude in the
Crunch locker with balls the size of grapefruits – I’m no longer mortified at
the prospect of taking my shirt off.
End Weight: 144 lbs.
CHALLENG RESULTS:
NA, due to stress fracture and vaginal chaffing
Patrick Carone
Senior Editor
I gave this contest my all. I sacrificed snacks, booze, and precious free time (and not-so-precious man boobs) to be named the victor. And while I might not be walking away the winner, I’m genuinely proud of all I’ve done. First off, who lost the most weight? Me. Who was able to do exponentially more squats at the end? That would be me again. Who looks the best? C’mon now! Not to take anything away from the winner (I mean, come on, the dude used to work at Men’s Health; all he KNOWS are six-packs!), but I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. Excelsior!
Starting Weight: 190 lbs.End Weight: 174 lbs.
CHALLENGE RESULTS:
Squats at 108lb: 25
Pushups in 60 seconds: 16
Shuttle run: left to right 5.96sec
Right to left 6.05sec
Jesse Brukman
Assistant Editor
I didn’t win, that much is clear. And I have only myself to blame. While I hit Crunch gym regularly and hard, I cheated too often on my Nukitchen diet, took an ill-advised journey to Dublin in the midst of the competition, and barely half-assed it in general (maybe one-quarter assed it). Though if anyone peeps the stats below, it’s obvious that I am a mountain of man-muscle, I just have sensitive legs! But look out for the kid next year. Dawson, I’m coming for the belt! Also, my steroids—give them back!
Starting Weight: 219End Weight: 209
CHALLENGE RESULTS:
Right to left 5.88 For more on Maxim’s Biggest Loser, pick up the June issue of Maxim and be terrified at the before and after photos of your weight-losing heroes.