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Billions of Cicadas to Swallow East Coast Any Day Now

The sex-crazed insects emerge every 17 years to bang each other in your front yard.

This is a hideous insect from hell called the cicada. If you've never seen a cicada, that's probably because they live underground, much like mole people and hobos. But every 17 years, billions of these creatures surface all along the East Coast to mate with each other, and in the process, ruin our lives.

This is that year. 

Those who remember that dark, dark summer of 1996 - when cicadas last attempted to enslave the human race - will likely be fleeing to higher ground before they finish reading this post. But for the rest of you, here are a few things you should know before the swarms have their way with you:

-Cicadas are technically harmless. Whoops! Sorry if we scared you.

-Still, they are terrifying to look at, and loud as all hell. The sound of their incessant buzzing will likely drive you insane long before our collective national nightmare is over.

-Their mass emergence usually takes place in a single, hellish night. That means that one of these days (maybe tonight!) you will go to sleep as usual, and wake up the next day to the tune of billions of locusts banging their brains out.

-Scientists predict that this season will bring such large numbers of these micro-beasts that humans will be outnumbered 600 to 1, from North Carolina all the way to Connecticut.

-If this merely sounds like annoyance, consider that those who live in the hardest-hit regions will literally be shoveling them off the front lawn by the thousands.

-Don't bother trying to kill them with pesticides. They will shit on your pesticides, and then mock you for all eternity. We recommend using fire - just strap on the ol' flame-thrower and have at it.

So, on that note, um, have a great summer, everyone!

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