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Black Hole Shows A Planet Who's Boss

Thanks to the hard work of astronomers and astrophysicists (not astrologists - fuck those guys), these days even the most backward idiot knows about the awesome power of black holes. These massive matter-eaters have been the most feared bodies in the galaxy since man first learned that Kathy Bates would do a nude scene in About Schmidt, and the following video helps illustrate why:

 

 

That's right: That's a black hole sucking a planet apart like a galactic gobstopper, a sight witnessed by scientists who were using a massive "integral space telescope" from the European Space Agency to observe the galaxy NGC 4845. After noticing a strange "halo of material" emanating from the region, it took them a while to put together what was happening, but eventually they realized they were watching a black hole 300,000 times bigger than the sun devour a planet around 30 times the size of Jupiter.

 

All in all, we're really starting to regret that big budget cut that NASA had to take in the name of the endless tax debate. We shouldn't be wasting our time with meaningless little enemies like Iran and North Korea - we should be watching the skies for some giant black hole that's headed our way with a knife and fork in each hand, and a look on its face like a wasted frat guy stumbling upon a Waffle House at 3 a.m. Now, we're not scientists, and we can't categorically say we have the solution to being gobbled up by one of these monstrosities, but can we at least suggest some kind of intergalactic eating contest to decide the fate of Earth? Sure, a black hole can consume whole stars, but we're the planet that voluntarily invented the KFC Double Down. Bring it on, black hole - you ain't got nothin'.


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