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BREAKING: Size Does Matter

According to the world's most depressingly obvious new study.

Photo: Andrey Guryanov / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Good news, Jon Hamm! According to a new study conducted by 3 guys with large penises "scientists" at the University of Ottawa, evidence suggests that women care as much about the size of the boat as they do the motion in the ocean. Or whatever that dumb saying is. The point is, they prefer big dicks.

The study was led by biologist Brian Mautz, and consisted of showing a group of 105 heterosexual women computer generated images of men who varied by height, body shape, and penis size, and asking them which pictures they found most attractive. Ultimately, Mautz's findings showed that "Males with a larger penis were rated relatively more attractive."

In addition to blowing the lid off that caper, the study further indicated that there is a correlation between how much penis size matters in relation to things like height. In essence, taller men with larger penises were found to be more inherently attractive to the women than men of average height with smaller penises. This is groundbreaking stuff, you guys.

Now, if you're a man of average height and average penis length, don't be too discouraged. Mautz acknowledges that the study did not take into account other physical traits that influence attractiveness - such as muscle size and facial features. Plus, there are also the non-physical characteristics that can make you attractive to women - like your winning personality, and how much alcohol they've had.

However, if both you and your Lebowski are more little than big, you had better bring something else to the table. Because according to Mautz, "If you're short, it doesn't matter what size your penis is."

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