We're rooting for the littlest guy!
Photo: Amy Weekley/Getty Images
Do you have a small pecker? Cheer up! The ladies over at Brooklyn's Kings County Bar think you're special, and not in a laugh-and-point "special" kind of way. But, like, actually special. That's why they recently announced that the bar is hosting the first annual "Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Contest," to take place July 20th at 5pm.
Gothamist reports that bar manager and contest founder Aimee Arciuolo was inspired to celebrate the less-endowed after she had several very satisfying sexual encounters with men with "acorn-sized" peens, and wanted to find a way to encourage them to embrace their small stature rather than be ashamed of it.
Arciuolo explains that in the case of one such encounter, "He came right out and said, 'Yes, I know, I've got a little pecker. But don't you worry, we are going to have fun.' And it was great! That guy seriously smashed it UP in the bedroom." After sharing her experience with several lady friends, she realized she wasn't alone. The women agreed that "guys like that deserve a prize, and we should hold a goddamn pageant for them!"
And so the "Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Contest" was born. Think of it as a wet T-shirt contest for your nether-regions.
Says Arciuolo, "There will be no maximum size requirement to enter, but obvious show-offs will be heckled. I do expect there will be a few giant dicks that come to show off, but if they are over eight inches they will be disqualified and forced to buy a round for the judges. We will provide the gentlemen with a pair of white tighty whitey's with the SPB logo, and the wetting process will involve water pistols."
If you are in possession of a small wang, you owe it to yourself to enter; if only because this may be your only chance to meet girls who are game for a romp, knowing full-well exactly what they're getting into. (Or rather, what's not getting into them...). And they're ok with that!
But make no mistake: this isn't about women with a fetish for teeny weenies. The idea is that if you suffer from such an affliction, you've probably honed your other skills in the bedroom as a means of compensating for your, um, shortcomings. Because if your schlong ain't long AND you're lazy in the sack, that's called being a huge dick; not having one.
To enter the contest, send an email to email@example.com. And then spend the next two months contemplating the irony of how it takes massive balls to admit you have the smallest penis.