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I Want Your Sex (and Toilet Paper)- George Michael got tossed in the can for trying to get tossed in the can. Dumb move, but not as dumb as…

I Know You’re A Masturbator, But What Am I?- Paul Reubens a.k.a. Pee-wee honked his herman in a XXX theater. Pretty quaint by today’s grabby standards. Speaking of grabby…

Top 10 Vaginas - David Letterman publicly confessed, “I have had sex with women who work for me on this show.” His pink torpedo did anything but torpedo his ratings and he beat NBC. Another guy who got away with it...?

Lights, Camera, Underage!- Rob Lowe videotaped himself having sex with a 16-year-old girl and then with a model while a naked buddy yelled things like, “She wants it harder, Rob!” Well, at least he was caught with 100 percent females, unlike…

My He/She Likes to Party All the Time- Out for a 4:45 a.m. cruise, Eddie Murphy picked up someone who looked “disjointed.” It was a tranny hooker. “I was trying to be a good Samaritan, and this is what happens,” said Ed after being stopped by cops. It’s not like he stuck his penis in his passenger, like…

Care For Some Spotted Dick?- Hugh Grant, the star of every rom-com ever made purchased a b.j. from a streetwalker named Divine Brown. Police didn’t allow for a big finish, but his relationship with Elizabeth Hurley sure had one. Jay Leno famously asked Hugh, “What the hell were you thinking?” A question better reserved for…

Don’t Spread For Me, Argentina- Mark Sanford, the South Carolina guv, told everyone—his wife, his aids, his pet rock—he was going hiking on the Appalachian Trail when he was actually in Argentina banging some broad. Bonus: He used pub­lic funds for his intercontinent­al booty calls. He resigned as chairman of the Republican Governors Association and was censured. God, that was idiotic. On the topic of God…

Holy Piece of Ass- Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart had millions of followers, millions of his followers’ dollars, and one not-so-holy habit: spending time in hotels with a prostitute. He was busted and declared on his show, “I have sinned against You, my Lord, and I would ask that Your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.” Every stain? Jesus, you’re gross, Jimmy. Also gross? Urinal yearnings…

Senator Suck-off- Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), a fierce proponent of antigay legislation, tried to kill some time (and presumably the erection in his pants) in the men’s room of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport. He signaled his willingness to ball in a stall by tapping his foot in the direction of an undercover cop. He resigned but refused to admit guilt, explaining that the foot tapping was the result of his urinating with a “wide stance.” Gotta watch where and what you tap…

To Catch a Catcher Who Catches Predators- Chris Hansen, the man who made his name in news setting up stings for creepy dudes in search of underage things may himself have been doing some unwise tapping of ass. A tabloid report claims the married 52-year-old father of two took a blonde bombshell for a romantic dinner and then spent the night at her place. If confirmed, he would seemingly have busted his chance to take over Date­line. And on the subject of busting…

The Oral Office- How did the Bill Clinton, leader of the free world think he could get away with having sex with his chubby intern? Because he “did not have sex with that woman, Miss [Monica] Lewinsky.” Yes, he crammed a cigar up her vagina and busted his presidential DNA all over her nice blue dress, but by his definition that isn’t sex, so he didn’t have “sex.” Stick that line of logic in your pipe and smoke it, impeachment trial! Bill is here to stay. On the flip side…

Dial S For Sext - Mark Foley, the congressman from Florida, blamed drinking for his sending multiple lewd instant messages to multiple underage boys who worked as congressional pages. The subject matter included his thoughts on their legs at lacrosse practice and inquiries as to whether they had recently received hand jobs. Don’t blame the alcohol, Mark. Own your freaky deaky nature, like this guy…

Incomplete Pass- Who has time to take off his Crocs when allegedly sending out cock shots? Brett Favre! Another bad call?

Above the Rim Job- Marv Albert bit a lady friend, and the resulting trial testimony claimed he had a thing for wearing panties and dude-heavy threeways. Speaking of odd three-ways…

Annie Balls- Woody Allen took nude pics of his girlfriend’s adopted daughter, Soon-Yi, then married her. His son, Ronan, summed up the ickyness: “He is my father and married to my sister. That makes me his son and brother-in-law.” Quite the awkward pairing, like…

Bending Over For Your Buddy- N.J. governor Jim McGreevey resigned after he gave a wildly unqualified non-U.S. citizen—and rumored lover—Golan Cipel, a job as adviser to Home­-land Security. That pissed a whole lot of people off. And while we’re on the subject of pissing…

I Believe I Can Unzip My Fly- R&B crooner R. Kelly was charged with engaging in sex with an underage girl. And by “sex” we mean videotaping himself peeing on her. He was cleared of the charges, but, sigh, if only our minds can be cleared of that mental image. It’s tattooed on our brains, like……

West Coast Asshole- Cheating on Sandra Bullock, America’s sweetheart, is one thing, but doing it with inked-up, alleged Nazi-loving freak Michelle “Bombshell” McGee is another. Jesse James was photographed in a Nazi hat giving a Heil Hitler salute. He’d probably sue us for putting him on this list of dumb- asses, but it’s hard to get a lawyer when you are terrified of Jewish people. His career has since crapped out, like…

Fore! Skin!- What was Tiger Woods thinking when he set up a double life that had him banging porn stars and wannabe models in every city? Probably, “Hey, I’m going to bang porn stars and wannabe models in every city.” We were shocked at the explicit text messages he sent (particularly the one he sent to porn star Joslyn James about getting him dinner: “No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich”), but no one is saying he broke any laws, contrary to…

There Are Two Americas, and I’d Like to Impregnate Them Both- John Edwards could afford $400 haircuts but allegedly felt the need to tap campaign funds to fly his illicit baby mama around. (He denies the charges.) Pretty bad, but it’s not like his wife was dying of cancer or anything while he was out tunneling vagina. What’s that? Oh, another guy not getting a world’s best dad mug this year…?

It’s Not a Rumor!- Were we shocked that the Jizzing Man Arnold Schwarzenegger had an extramarital affair? No. Were we shocked that he fathered a child? Not in the slightest. Were we floored when we saw how un-good-looking his housekeeper/sperm depository was? We still can’t form the words to even speak. Surely a former Mr. Universe could do better than that, right? The guy has one of the most admired physiques in history, as opposed to…

Throwing Money After Ass- Eliot Spitzer, the face of governors gone wild is not a pretty one. The onetime attorney general of New York came down hard on crime, and once he became governor, came hard on prostitutes. For some reason “Client 9” of the Emperors’ Club wasn’t arrested after arranging to pay Ashley Dupre $4,300 for a night of sex in a Washington, D.C. hotel, but the damage was done. He resigned, and all the world learned that he enjoyed things “you might think were safe” and often kept his black dress socks on while doing it. Yucky, but at least Spitzer, like most of the aforementioned fiends, actu­ally had sex or was trying to. Which leads us to the number one balls-for-brains all-star…

We Have a Weiner!- Eleven months into his marriage to an indisputably hot wife, New York State senator Anthony Weiner got caught sending hundreds of explicit texts about his “fat cock” and shirtless pics displaying his senatorial pecs to porn stars and other trustworthy gals. Some of his more notable notions: “ridiculous bulge in my shorts now. wanna see?” and “wow a jewish girl who sucks cock! this thing is ready to do damage.” A government official sending texts like this into the world is questionable, but the fact that he wasn’t actually even trying to meet and bone these women is just plain diabolical! We’ve lost all faith in our system of government. Someone call up King George and ask him if he’ll have us back.

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