Unlike many of his colleagues, The Cap'n is still around. But next time you see a commercial with the tagline "me and and The Cap'n make it happen," bear in mind that after several decades of freebasing pure sugar, The Cap'n has been reduced to a sad-sack Wilford Brimley lookalike with a debilitating Napoleon complex, and the only ship he's steering is a boatload of methamphetamine (street name: Crunch Berries).
The Trix Rabbit
Sadly, the Trix Rabbit learned the hard way that when a hunter invites you to "see what this shotgun barrel tastes like, just for a laugh," nothing good will come of it. In the end, Trix may be for kids, but rabbits are for dinner.
Lucky the Leprechaun
The Lucky Charms Leprechaun is alive and well; in fact, he's even getting some media attention this week in connection with the release of a new Lucky Charms app being rolled out for St. Patrick's Day. Here's how it works: follow the marshmallow treats to the end of Lucky's magical rainbow, where a pot of gold and a bowl of deliciously sugary Type 2 Diabetes await! (Note: You don't have to be on LSD to play, but it helps.)
Tony the Tiger
Since 1951, the Frosted Flakes mascot has been shilling for Frosted Flakes because, duh, "They're grrrrreat!" But did you know Tony is also the founder of a blog called originalhipster.com, where he claims to have founded the hipster movement with his signature neck bandana and natural tiger print coat? "No one was doing bandanas like this before I was," he writes in an entry from 2001, adding, "On a separate note, the next person who tries to give me a thumbs-up in public will be eaten whole. I may be a sellout, but I am still a tiger, fuckwad."
The Cookie Crisp Bandit
After attracting the attention of authorities with his frequent and brazen cookie thefts, in 2005 the Cookie Crook was replaced as the official mascot of Cookie Crisp by a new character called Chip the Wolf. Aging and despondent, the Crook found himself drawn into the seedy criminal underbelly of America. In 2007 he was charged with attempted robbery of a Pepperidge Farm factory, but was acquitted after the testimony of the only eyewitness was discredited. He is currently serving a 10-year sentence for assaulting the Keebler Elves.
After a solid 39-year run, in 2010 General Mills scaled back production of its monster cereals (including Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry), which are now sold only during Halloween season. The rest of the year, the Count splits his time between a dusty castle in Transylvania and a Palm Beach retirement community, where he is always trying to get the other residents to come over for blood-sucking/charades night.