One of the perks of this job is that you never know quite what's going to show up in your daily mail. For the past few weeks, I've been getting some pretty obvious hints that record companies not only don't want me to have a merry Christmas, they want my suffering to last well into the new year. This is what some disgruntled reindeer shat on my desk this holiday season.
Michael McDonald - "This Christmas"
Mr. Yah Mo B There himself has finally admitted that his white mane and crumb catcher make him the ideal man to spread Christmas joy (or do Kenny Rogers' stunt work).
Popped it in for 30 Seconds And: Was hit with the country-blues-ish ditty "That's What Christmas Means to Me." The chorus has McDonald moaning "That's what Christmas means to me…" and a final word that sounds like "Milo." So, there you go, Milo. Now you know what to get Mike. Apparently he wants "losh of missletoo " and "losh of snowendice" or something to that effect.
Unfortunate Track Title: "Children Go Where I Send Thee."
Neil Diamond - "A Cherry Cherry Christmas"
America's favorite troubadour isn't just going to take back Christmas, he's going to duct-tape Christmas to a lawn chair in his basement and drain every ounce of joy from its veins for his own amusement.
Popped it in for 30 Seconds And: The title track came on and, well, the effect is like opening your apartment door and suddenly getting smacked in the forehead with a blackjack by an unseen assailant: Shock, confusion, and disorientation. "Wish you a very merry cherry cherry Christmas/And a holly holy holiday, too/Underneath your tree/May there always be/Sounds of harmony/Not a song sung blue." WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, NEIL?
Unfortunate Track Title: "A Cherry Cherry Christmas"
Kathy Griffin - "Suckin' It For the Holidays"
The gay community's official mascot has an X-mas-themed chuckle CD—well, we assume it's X-mas-themed. With subjects like "I Met Gayle" and "Maya Angelou is Insufferable," who knows, really?
Popped it in for 30 Seconds And: Kathy shrieked "How the fuck are you, New Jersey?" Oooooh, well played, Ms. Griffin. Well played, indeed. You have disarmed us. She goes on to explain the CD's title: "I hope you all sit around with your families and celebrate a lot of dick jokes for Kwanzaa and Navidad and Christmas and all those other holidays."
Unfortunate Track Title: "Somebody Has to Blow Trump"
REO Speedwagon - "Not So Silent Night"
Oooh, see what they did there? You think this is going to be a "silent" night? No chance, Nancy. The Wagon is up in this motherfucker! The first draft title was, apparently, "Silent Night…Not!" but that was deemed too "hip" and "edgy."
Popped it in for 30 Seconds And: "The First Noel" began. Imagine you're sitting in the cramped seats of an elementary school auditorium, you're sweating through your wool sweater because the janitor has the thermostat set to "Hate", the band has quit, and the music teacher has decided to take the stage for an A cappella solo. Oh, also? The doors have been welded shut and your cell phones don't work. It's like that.
Unfortunate Track Title: "Children Go Where I Send Thee" That's right, kids. Time to make a choice. Are you going to listen to REO or Michael McD?
The Irish Tenors - "Christmas"
You think all tenors have to be Italian and/or Spanish? Well Wright, Kearns, and Scully want to have a word with you, mate. They aim to do for singing what the Irish have done for sobriety, passiveness, and parades.
Popped it in for 30 Seconds And: Some serious orchestral horns kicked in, like we were either getting a visit from royalty or AMC Theaters was expressing their hope that we enjoy their feature presentation. And then the Tenors began tenoring. Wright and Scully? Solid, as usual. Kearns, though, needs to re-assess his commitment to Irish Tenors.
Unfortunate Track Title: "Sleigh Ride/Feliz Navidad Medley"
Well, at least you're here to cheer me up, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian promotional Christmas ornament!
