As if dressing as Batman or listening to Chris Martin was even a choice…
Photos: Gabe Ginsberg/FilmMagic / Brendon Thorne/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Comic Con is here, and with that, cosplayers! But what if someone’s autocorrect leads you to believe you’re supposed to be listening to Coldplay this weekend instead? Here’s a guide to how people will react to either scenario this weekend.
Cosplay: You will wake up, probably forego a shower, and dress as Batman. Everything about this will be awesome.
Coldplay: You will wake up and realize you peed the bed again, and spend the rest of the day weeping softly while washing your sheets.
Going To The Store
Cosplay: Dressed as Batman, you walk into the store just as several armed robbers attempt to hold it up. You scream a throaty warning about justice in the hope that they will flee: It doesn’t quite work out as you planned, but fortunately they spend so long laughing that the police have plenty of time to come and arrest them. That still counts as a win!
Coldplay: You buy a bunch of organic wheatgerm, soy extract, and lichen, and other foods that Gwyneth Paltrow says you can eat. Before leaving, you sit down and have another little cry.
Going To A Barbecue
Cosplay: You spend a day eating big-ass hamburgers while dressed as Batman. You get some ketchup on your cape, but luckily your mom packed a Tide Stain Remover Stick in your utility belt.
Coldplay: You put Coldplay on the stereo and morosely eat your single lettuce leaf. Slowly, the party grinds to a halt as everyone makes their excuses and leaves. You smell their half-eaten burgers and remember an older, better time, before you discovered Coldplay.
Cosplay: You go out dressed as Batman, which hides your bad hair day and makes you look like you have a sweet six-pack. Two women dressed as Supergirl and Black Canary ask if you want to come over and play “Sexy Justice League” with them. You say you’re sorry, but you have to dedicate all your time to defending Gotham. Then you all laugh and go to their place to play “Sexy Justice League.”
Coldplay: You write a sad ballad about how nice girls don’t like you. No one likes it.
Going To A Coldplay Concert
Cosplay: You arrive dressed as Batman. People all around you get a sudden twitch in their faces as a deep, long-unused part of their brain suddenly remembers the sensation they used to call “joy.” Years later, some of them are still writing to you to thank you for rescuing them.
Coldplay: You watch Coldplay. You don’t really enjoy it. Later, you cry yourself to sleep. Shortly after, you pee the bed.