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Crappiest Vacations Contest: The Winners

From boat-rage to donkey shows, some of you guys have had really crappy vacations!

We recently asked you to send us your crappy vacation stories for a chance to win the inFAMOUS 2: Hero Edition set. You replied in droves, and while some of them were truly, depressingly crappy, the three below were the ones that made us laugh as hard as they made us weep.

ENTER OUR “CRAPPIEST HAIRCUT” CONTEST BELOW TO WIN A TRIP TO L.A. AND MEET CONAN O’BRIEN! 
 


THE WINNERS

Full-Contact Lenses
It was the end of my freshmen year of college and, after I graduated, I headed overseas to Italy to visit my brother in Rome. I toured the great city and had a great time at the bars and clubs. But then came the night that will haunt me for the rest of my life. After the Champions League Final match, we go and celebrate at a strip club. As we know, in America you’re not allowed to touch the strippers: Well, at this place you can. So, as we’re just sitting there waiting for the next show to come on, this German chick goes on stage and starts to do her dance. She comes over to me to give me a lap dance, then takes my glasses and puts them on her face. Shortly after that she goes back on stage -- still wearing them -- where she slides down from the pole then decides to pleasure herself for more then five minutes with my glasses. Then she tells me to come up and pull them out of her. As you’d imagine, the next day, all of my brother’s friends, fellow students and even teachers knew about it.
--Mario Illiano

Look on the bright side, Mario – at least now, you can REALLY give people the stink eye.


Cabin Fever
Our second entry wrote us a bone fide novella, so here are the highlights leading up to the main event: one busted axle on his boat trailer; one speeding ticket; one screwed up hotel reservation; one night in a moldy bed and a week’s delay while he waits for his trailer to get nearly $900’s worth of repairs. And then… 

… Later that night my wife gets the first signs of food poisoning, but shortly thereafter my five-year old and I do too. Fortunately my three-year old daughter is spared this horror. We stay in our room most of the day trying to recover and still deal with the kids. Not fun! Then about 4:30 in the afternoon I peek out at the beach and what do I see? Nothing - MY BOAT IS NOT THERE!!!! So I grab a pair of swim trunks, make one more dash to the bathroom and then bolt for the door. I make it to the beach and spy my boat about half a mile further down the beach, stuck on a sand bar. I swim out and push/pull until it is off the sand bar, but now it’s floating and I realize the keys are in the condo. Now what do I do? At this point I was seriously considering just letting myself sink to the bottom of the Grand Traverse Bay and giving up! So I pull up my anchor ropes and - no anchors! I later find my anchors right where I left them, but some kids had tied their jet skis to them. All they can say is oh, sorry, they thought the anchors were the resort’s!

By this time I am just about a blubbering idiot and on a mission to salvage what vacation is left. I go into town and buy a couple of earth anchors, two buoys and a stout piece of rebar. I stake out a spot off shore for my boat and with rebar in hand, drove these earth anchors into the sandy lake bottom until I could no longer corkscrew them any further. I tied a length of rope to the earth anchors and then the other end to my bright orange buoys. I wrote all over them with a big black sharpie marker: DO NOT TOUCH – PROPERTY of ME. Then I crawl up on the bow of my boat and yell for everyone on the beach to hear! “STAY AWAY FROM MY BOAT!!! AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING MY ROPES OR ANCHORS!!!”

Of course, then the weather turned colder and raining for the next several days. So I watched my boat in the water for two full days in high winds, cold rain and four or five foot waves. But my boat was riding high in the surf and safe and secure! No one got close to it - they all thought the crazy guy would do something tragic if they did!
I can laugh now, but it still brings a stomach twinge every time I remember “Our Crappiest Summer Vacation Ever!”
--Martin Holka

Martin, are you secretly Clark Griswold?


Donkey Vs. Prison
My crappiest vacation was in the summer of 2002. Some buddies and I decided it would be cool to go to Mexico, and one of my friends had a cool idea to take us to a special club in a little remote part of Nuevo Laredo. When we walked in the door, we realized we were the only Americans in the bar. The room itself was large, with a clear arena-type enclosure in the middle. As we were sitting there, getting quite tanked with women that I am sure were not there for the scenery, all of a sudden we hear this guy talking over the loud speaker and the crowd erupts in an all-out holler-fest.


At this point, a man opens this little door in the side of the enclosure and in walks a woman leading a donkey behind her. She walks into the middle of the arena and starts to perform acts on this animal that should never be seen and should only be urban legends. I decided this was not the place to be and left quickly. I walked down this little road beside the "special club", and was stopped by the Mexican police because I looked like this other guy they were looking for. Fortunately for me, I had not lost my I.D. in the rush to get out of that place, but they still took me to the police station. I was there for hours before they decided to take me back to hook up with my friends – all of whom had decided to stay in the bar and watch the show.

We decided to go to another bar and keep drinking, because I was very sober after my time with the cops. It wasn't very long until some other people in the bar decided they didn't like us so well and chose to express that with some pushing and shoving. Next thing you know, there were the same police that dropped me off earlier! They decided that our vacation in Mexico had to come to an end and, a little car ride later, we were being kicked out at the US border and told not to return. And that was my little crappy vacation to Mexico. I didn't even get to buy me a big sombrero.
--Matthew Tipton

Dude, how could you not know that not watching the donkey show is an arrestable offence?

SEND US YOUR CRAPPY HAIRCUT PHOTOS FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A TRIP TO L.A. AND MEET CONAN O’BRIEN!
We’ve all had crappy haircuts, and now we want to see yours! Whether it was mom with a pudding bowl and a pair of scissors, or a drunk, vengeful girlfriend with a set of hedge shears, we want to see what happened to your head. Send your crappy haircut photos to win@maxim.com with “Crappiest Haircut” in the subject line: bonus points if you tell us the story behind the photo! And yes – the photo must be of YOU, or you’ll be disqualified. Sorry – them’s the rules.

The person we judge to have had the worst haircut will win two (2) round-trip plane tickets to L.A.; three days/two nights there in a hotel; two (2) tickets to the Conan show and a meet and greet opportunity with Conan O’Brien himself following the show. Pretty amazing, huh? Just make sure you’re over 21 and available to travel between August 3rd and 5th this year, or you won’t get to go.

While we’re talking about awesome stuff, how’s this for an awesome exclusive? AT&T is giving its U-verse TV customers a sneak free-view of the Conan O’Brien documentary Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop this Thursday (that’s June 23rd, date fans!). You can watch it exclusively on AT&T U-verse Online and on smartphones with AT&T U-verse Mobile a full 24 hours before the movie’s theatrical release on June 24th. U-verse TV customers can also rent the movie from June 24th for $8 (HD) or $7 (SD).



NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open to all legal U.S. residents, 21 years or older. Contest begins June 20, 2011 and ends July 15, 2011. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and official rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize and other details, click here. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc. (“AMG”) and AT&T Services, Inc. By submitting an entry to AMG, each contestant grants to AMG a perpetual, irrevocable, nonexclusive, fully-paid, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, display, distribute, publish, modify and create derivative works from the contestant’s submission in any media now known or hereafter developed.”