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Dare Maxim: Halloween Horror Night

We heard Universal Studios Florida takes Halloween seriously, so naturally we had to check it out for ourselves. But sending someone who enjoys being scared wouldn’t be as much fun as sending someone who loathes it. So, meet Heather, our Managing Editor.

 

It’s not that she’s afraid of everything (she is), or that she has to fall asleep with the TV on because the quiet is too scary (she does); it’s that she won’t even consider seeing scary movies or visiting haunted houses - she’s a wuss! And we'd had enough. So, naturally, we sent her to Universal Orlando's Halloween Horror Nights 23 in the hopes of scaring her into...not being scared anymore. That’s a thing, right?*  What follows is her account of the scariest night of her life.
 

***

*I’d just like to say again for the record that no, that’s not a thing. Never will be a thing. You are all just incredibly mean.

 

We get to Universal Studios Florida, and I’m expecting one, maybe two intense haunted houses. HA! There were eight - all incredibly well-conceived, scary as shit, and loads of terrifying fun for people who like that sort of thing.  People looked happy to be there, that is - I looked like this. For five. Hours. Straight.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

The houses included AMC’s The Walking Dead: No Safe Haven; Resident Evil: Escape from Raccoon City; Evil Dead; The Cabin in the Woods; An American Werewolf in London; Urban Legends: La Llorona; Afterlife: Death’s Vengeance; and Havoc2: Derailed. They were all horrific in their own way, but at least they were contained. I knew to be prepared to be scared in there. When the nightmare of one was over, I was glad to be back outside walking around in public safety. Happiness was short-lived though when they informed me, via this special lady -


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 - that they added a new feature called The Walking Dead: The Undead Streets. That’s right, people can just jump out at you anywhere they damn well please.

 

Then you go back into a haunted house and deal with this.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

Then you’re back outside, and the streets are lined with characters and sets inspired by The Walking Dead.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

I’m serious, what is fun about this?!


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

It was around this point that I started plotting revenge on the savages back at Maxim headquarters who thought this would be a good idea. Unfortunately, Universal wouldn’t let me take one of the wolves back to New York with me.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

Luckily there’s always one silver lining - booze.  Pit stops for Blood Sucker jello shots and a friendly smile from what I’m sure are licensed professional nurses did wonders for my mood.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

Until the next house, anyway.


Photo: Joanna Sciarrino

 

So yeah, this was the worst. But I survived Halloween Horror Night 23 in one piece. I was on edge the entire time, slept with the lights on that night, and still haven’t fully recovered. If that sounds like something you’d be into (you psycho), Halloween Haunted Night 23 is open through November 2. Go check it out I guess. I’ll be at home with all the lights on with the rest of the wusses.

 

Check out 14 Sexy Food Costumes That Make Us Hungry For Halloween, or The 30 Deadliest Things In The World

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