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Dicks Who Won’t Pull Out

Politicians, athletes, and other famous people who refuse to shut up, retire, or die.

Brett Favre

Photo: Leon Halip/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Like a rifle-armed case of herpes, sometimes-retired QB Favre has flared back up in the NFL more times than we can count. (Full disclosure: we never learned to count.) According to everyone having meltdowns on Twitter this morning, the Rams approached the 44-year old grandpa and asked for him to flare up one more time for them. To his credit, Favre spiked the offer, telling ESPN Radio, "It's flattering, but you know there's no way I'm going to do that." To his discredit, Favre also allegedly sent shots of his half-engorged pigskin to a Jets TV Reporter back in 2008, so maybe you can’t super duper trust that he’ll always take what would appear to be the right course of action? So will Brett Favre peel off his Wranglers one more time? And did that mental image just make you throw up a little tiny bit in your mouth? Only time will tell!
 

Eliot Spitzer

Photo: Mario Tama/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Veiny, throbbing rumors are flying about that New York’s former Pay-For-Love Guv could be mounting (hee hee!) another political run, this time for State Attorney General. Lest anyone's panties get in too much of a knot, a rep from his camp assured the New York Post that, “He is not contemplating a run for office. It’s the last thing on his mind.” Anyone want to take a guess at what the first thing on his mind is? From reports of his past indiscretions, we’ll guess it rhymes with “unprotected anal sex.”

 

Tan Mom

Photo: Gilbert Carrasquillo/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

She seared her way into our psyche in 2012 when authorities said she allowed her then 5-year-old daughter to burn in a tanning salon and charged her with child endangerment. From that moment on, Patricia Krentcil has painted the collective pop culture town brown, sticking her leathery face in front of any TV camera that would have her. This month, she unfortunately stuck her baseball mitt with eyeballs in front of a porn director’s camera, and the results can be seen in the newly released gay romp Kings of New York 2. See screen shots here, you sick, sick bastard.

 

Octomom

Photo: Gilbert Carrasquillo/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

To quote Miley Cyrus, her uterus won’t stop and it won’t quit. After her much publicized delivery of a litter of eight human beings, Octomom Nadya Suleman shopped around a reality show, made some porn (you know, like any good mom would do), and has now entered into an undisclosed business with the owner of a rehab center in New Jersey. We’re happy for her if she’s on her way to doing something that doesn’t call attention to her birth canal, but at the same time, anytime the word “Octomom” is in the news, you just know someone is out there taking it as a challenge. “You think eight is a big deal? Wait’ll the world sees my Nine-gina!”

 

The Kennedys

Photo: Christopher Polk/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Rare is the week that goes by that a Kennedy hasn’t manslaughtered someone, drank themselves into oblivion, or said something horrible. Today we get the trifecta, as Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel was granted a new murder trial for the bludgeoning-by-golf-club death of his then-15-year-old neighbor Martha Moxley. That means the rotund rampager may be free on bail in a matter of days. Seems fair, since Michael reportedly told friends that on the night of Martha’s murder, he simply climbed up a tree beside her window and masturbated, but swears he didn’t touch her. Just a kid being a kid, right? His cousin Robert Kennedy, Jr. took to the airwaves this morning, calling the impending release a “blessed event.” (For those keeping score, RFK, Jr. is the same guy who spoke at his ex-wife’s funeral and not-so-tenderly made it clear to all attendees that her suicide wasn’t his fault. Oh, and he also keeps a recently leaked diary detailing all his sexual exploits.) So yeah, we hope things continue to work out for America's classiest family. 



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