1. Swizzles are preferable to straws.
Swizzles stir and are good for chewing on in a menacing way. Straws make you look like a dainty lady sucking cream from a bonbon.
2. Crazy straws = someone must die. If you accept an oversize, brightly colored, and/or corkscrew-shaped straw, the only way to salvage your manhood is to kill someone at the bar.
3. The sexier the name, the bigger the shame.
If your beverage has “blow job” or “orgasm” in the name, your chances of getting laid are worse than the guy down the bar in the WHO FARTED? T-shirt.
4. If it ain’t a lime, it’s a crime.
Limes are cool (tequila, Corona). But drinks with passion fruit? How dare you. Pomegranate pulp? Only if you’re a giant Samoan dude who can kick our ass.
5. Take the hen party test.
Imagine an annoying bachelorette in a penis tiara bellowing: “Bartender, give me a __!” If your cocktail could complete that sentence, you need a new cocktail.