Sadly, clothing is necessary to avoid indecent exposure convictions. Luckily, there are a few clothing trends that don't totally suck.
Sweatpants- Once confined to the comfort of our basement, these baggy stockings—never actually intended for sweaty activity—are now acceptable attire anywhere shorts, flip-flops, or homemade muscle tees make an appearance.
Wire-Management Apparel- Strapping several gizmos to our bodies is part of modern life; showing off headphone, headset, and night-vision goggle wires need not be, thanks to specially holed man purses, tees and jackets like this snazzy Scottevest, Inc. item.
Antimicrobial Clothing- Shirts and socks with silver, bamboo, and other antifunk agents woven into them mean fewer trips to the Laundromat, as well as fewer passed-out Laundromat employees.
Bulletproof Vests- 50 Cent taught us that surviving gunshots is cool and hard. Thus, we sport a flak jacket and bust "In da Club" while driving our parents' Saturn down the block to Applebee's.
Beer Helmet- Nothing says "I'm drinking and yet both of my hands are free to explore the veritable treasure trove that is my temple-like body!" like a construction hat fitted with a double fisting's worth of booze. Except our bumper sticker, which reads much the same.
Optimus Prime Voice-Changer Helmet- Less a tribute to our childhood hero than an effective means of disguising our identity. Trust us, it totally worked when we left creepy anonymous voice mails for the brunette coworker that sits to our right.
Zorro Mask- Any fashion accessory that can help a ponytailed shrimp like Antonio Banderas pull Catherine Zeta-Jones—despite a ridiculous cape, hat, and accent—is worth donning for our twice-daily visit to Taco Bell. We're like the Hamburglar, only we eat Crunchwrap Supremes.
Fat Suit- If you consider yourself too svelte for this world (and your XXL jersey), try some fake flubber and sample life as a Biggest Loser/typical Floridian.
Chinchilla Jacket- Anyone who bitches about the loss of animal life that went into making this luxuriously soft coat has never tried the General Tso's chinchilla at Wok 'n' 'Round.
Chain Mail- We raided our mom's closet hoping for a transcendental cross-dressing experience. What we got instead was a kick-ass defense against orc attacks and an unnerving vision of our parents' kinky sex life.