You’re not a true deviant unless you know how to “snorkel.”
When the cast of Workaholics stopped by the office for our weekly edit meeting, we all got weird in record time. The result was this list of fun, sexy fetishes, delivered to you in alphabetical order because we are committed to doing things properly around here. Open your mind…and your body will follow…maybe.
Bluetoothing – Look ma, no hands! Wait, wait, no! Don’t look! Go away! Why are you in here?! That’s pretty much how we image the psyche of someone who’s just figured out how to bluetooth, aka, masturbate without touching oneself. The concept almost defies comprehension, and yet, the power of the mind is a strong tool. We’re pretty sure bluetoothing would have made the unrated cut of Luke Skywalker’s Jedi training in The Empire Strikes Back.
Banging Anders’ Wife – Anders Holm readily confessed that this was his fetish. We assume he’s not the only one. Let us know if you too have a thing for banging Anders’ wife. We want to conduct a certain amount of research before we submit it to Urban Dictionary.
Garbage Disposal – Some girls like men’s parts in that down-there area. Some girls like rubbish. To each her own. If Oscar the Grouch’s trash-can lifestyle is what floats a young lady’s boat, who are we to judge? We feel like we’ve just discovered the origin story of the Garbage Pail Kids.
Snorkeling – Blake Anderson put it best when he said, “Stick a straw in your hole and then juice yourself.”
Spelunking – Don’t over-think this one, you guys. It’s just exploring caves. And then having sex. It’s a very Batman-like approach to life, and we have to respect how the Dark Knight rises.
Soaking - Penetration followed by sweet, stagnant stillness. Just let it soak. No humping. No pumping. No thrusting. No busting. Well, maybe a bust is involved, but when you’re concentrating so much on not moving at all, the chances of climax feel remote. Then again, perhaps it’s easy-peasy for the people who practice this fetish—sorta like Bluetoothing with a human statue.
The Pepsi Challenge – It’s a good ol’ guessing game much like the blind taste test it’s named after: You’re given the option of two glory holes and you must pick one not knowing who (or what) is on the other side. We’re surprised this fetish wasn’t somehow incorporated into the movie Shame, but chances are some version of it will appear on Game of Thrones. Little fingers crossed!
Workaholics returns to Comedy Central May 29th.