Pam & Tommy vs. Paris & That Guy
The Lees' not–so–private parts gave millions inferiority complexes, while our favorite heirhead "unintentionally" made best–selling adult vid of all time.
Winner: Tommy and Pam. Answering the phone during sex, Paris? Show a man some respect! 
Blondes vs. Brunettes
Goldilocks lets you wonder whether the carpet matches the curtains, whilst dark–haired girls are more vigilant about hair removal.
Winner: Brunettes. So overlooked they're grateful for any attention.
Stalin vs. Hitler
The "man of steel" liquidated 20 million Russians through starvation and slightly kinder shots to the head, while der Führer's assault on humanity actually led to the coining of the term genocide.
Winner: Hitler. He even gives Satan the douche chills.
Iraq vs. Australia
What's the bigger shithole: a land of explosions, crumbling infrastructure, and miles of sand, or a nation of hyperjolly nitwits hiding deep insecurities?
Winner: Australia. Ever spoken to an Aushole?
Bruce Lee vs. Jackie Chan
The Master could land eight punches in a second. But Chan has a plastic plug in his head filling a hole left by a fall.
Winner: Lee. Kick fast, die young.
Nirvana vs. Pearl Jam
Nevermind booted Michael Jackson from the top of the charts and brought heroin back. But Vedder made unintelligible singing the most copied vocal style of the '90s.
Winner: Nirvana. Cobain made $50 milbos last year—and he's dead! 
Biggie vs. Tupac
Despite his lazy eye and gut, honeys played B.I.G. close like butter played toast. Meanwhile, Pac wrote poetry yet somehow remained hardcore.
Winner: Biggie. "Thug Life" included humpty dancing. 
Beatles vs. Stones
The Fab Four changed pop music forever, Savile Row foppery and fourth–grade bowl cuts be damned! But Jagger and Co. are officially the longest–running rock act in history.
Winner: Stones. They're old enough for diapers, but Mick still gets more ass than you ever will.
Kelly Ripa vs. Rachael Ray
No amount of shrill early–morning buffoonery with Reege can change the fact that Ripa's smokin'. Ray, on the other hand, always finishes in 30 minutes or less.
Winner: Ripa. Of the two, she might actually shut the hell up after a good zoinking.
Bare Legs Accidentally Touching a Buddy's in the Backseat of a Car vs. Shaving Your 'Nads
The leg rub will give you the heebie–jeebies for days. But demaning genitals is strictly for women and pegboys.
Winner: Bare legs accidentally touching. You're halfway to a commitment ceremony.
Appetite for Destruction vs. Back in Black
Gn'R's debut gave us "Welcome to the Jungle," "Paradise City," and "Sweet Child O' Mine." But AC/DC cranked out a hell–raising album even after their frontman croaked—by dragging Brian Johnson out of a seedy Welsh pub.
Winner: Appetite. It was both the pinnacle and the death knell of '80s rock. 
Goodfella vs. Scarface
Money, power, respect. Scorsese's flick makes every man want to be a gangster (till Henry rats). DePalma's makes every man want to be a dealer (till Tony's full of lead).
Winner: Goodfellas. It combines humor and violence. 
Soccer vs. Lacrosse
Would you rather fake injury when someone accidentally grazes your shin with a cleat, or carry a ball in a little net and whack other dudes with your stick?
Winner: Lacrosse. It's what all the boys too nancy for football play. 
Best Friend's Little Sister vs. Intern at Work
One involves betraying someone you both love—in order to bone. Hot. The other involves abusing your power—in order to bone. Hot.
Winner: Intern. Bonus: high–fives from the geeks in accounting! 
Mom vs. Dad
Ma made soup when you were sick and let you know if your girlfriend was a dirty tramp. But pops taught you how to throw the pigskin and gave you a painfully awkward birds–and–bees talk.
Winner: Mom. Daddy only really loves the bottom of his scotch glass. Right, Junior?
Bacon vs. Jerky
Strips of greasy, salty goodness make everything taste better—even failure. But dried beef was fuel for pioneers who rolled across America destroying indigenous people and claiming their land.
Winner: Bacon. It's bacon! 
Showtime Lakers vs. Jordan's Bulls
In '87 L.A. won 11 of its first 12 playoff games en route to the first of two straight championships. But MJ's '96 squad still holds the record for regular–season wins.
Winner: Bulls. They put a drag queen on defense and still won three rings.
Steven Seagal vs. Jean–Claude Van Damme
Sir Squints–a–Lot reportedly broke Connery's wrist teaching him how to fight for Never Say Never Again, while the Muscles from Brussels was sued in '93 for allegedly jabbing a Cyborg costar's eye with a sword.
Winner: Van Damme. Seagal sports an unforgivable pony–knob.
Cheech vs. Chong
In the '70s Cheech Marin perfected the caricature of a Mexican–American esé that's grown into a beloved, much–imitated stereotype. In 2003 Tommy Chong became the burnout's Nelson Mandela, doing nine months in the joint for conspiring to distribute drug paraphernalia.
Winner: Chong. Nash Bridges, Cheech? C'mon, have some self–respect, mang! 
Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson
As a teen Jess was asked not to sing solos in gospel choir for fear of arousing the churchmen. Two years ago her little sis survived a vicious halftime booing by 72,000 Orange Bowl fans.
Winner: Ashlee…by a nose.
Fat Elvis vs. Skinny Elvis
Behemoth King tested the elastic limitations of sparkly jumpsuits. Slim King popped virgin groupies' cheeries with a lone hip–swivel.
Winner: Fat. Killed himself with fried PB and banana sammies. 
Ugly vs. Dumb
No pricey plastic surgery can help the first. Right, Tori Spelling? But no fancy degrees can change the second. Right, Dr. Phil?
Winner: Dumb. See: Hollywood. 
Montana vs. Brady
A four–time Super Bowl champ, Joe Cool engineered 31 fourth–quarter comebacks in his storied career. Meanwhile, Captain Chin Dimple has overcome a fourth–quarter tie or deficit 17 times—five of them in the playoffs.
Winner: Montana. Never unintentionally threw deep to a fertile ovary. 
Ali vs. Tyson (in their prime)
The Greatest compiled a lifetime 56–5 record—57 if you count Uncle Sam. Iron Mike was the youngest–ever heavyweight champ at 20; by 1990 he'd KO'd 33 chumps on his way to a terrifying 37–0 record.
Winner: Ali. Unless they fought today, in which case Tyson would probably have a slight edge. 
Waffle House vs. IHOP Waitresses
Front teeth apparently aren't required to serve waffles. And all 10 fingers apparently are not required to serve pancakes.
Winner: House–fraus. They look like James Hetfield in a skirt.