Every man, deep in his heart, longs to be a father, if only so he can drive a station wagon and employ the phrase “Because I said so” whenever his shaky judgment is called into question. But it’s not all lawn mowers and trips to the mall to buy more model rocket engines. Parenting, particularly in its early stages, can be daunting and even frightening, so it’s best to be prepared. And even if you’ve already cast a line or two into the gene pool, a refresher course may be in order.
Like a Vietnam vet, you’ve probably blocked out all conscious memory of the terrors you’ve endured. If you’re pondering the possibility of becoming a parent, your first question probably is “Am I ready for this?” It’s hard to know when it’s the right time to have kids.
Traditionally the woman is the first to broach the topic of planning a family, generally opening the discussion with the words “I’m pregnant.” At this point strong and conflicting emotions will jockey for position inside your feverish brain, so it’ll be important not to speak. This is one of those times when you’ll almost certainly say the wrong thing: “Is it mine?” being among the most probable candidates. Instead go for a look of awestruck emotional overload. Practice this look in the mirror. It’s going to come in handy during the next year.
Sobering Reality
Eventually you will conclude that this devastating shock is what you really wanted all along. Then you’ll be able to get on with the business of being pregnant. As a man, the first decision you’ll have to make is whether to give up drinking. Your partner will have to give up drinking, and you may experience a certain amount of pressure to join her on the wagon out of sympathy. I don’t recommend this. Staying sober for nine months exaggerates your contribution to the physical development of the fetus—i.e., none at all—and could be seen as patronizing. That might seem like skewed logic, but the guys at the bar near my office thought it made a lot of sense. Of course you feel for your partner, but remember: You’re drinking for two now.
For the most part things will seem pretty normal during the first three months, except that your mate will wake up every morning feeling as if she spent last night at a sorority initiation. Actually, this is a terrible cliché. There’s much more to pregnancy than morning sickness. There is also afternoon sickness and the little-understood evening sickness. My wife went in for a sort of 24-hour allover queasiness, which I pointed out was hardly surprising since she was eating a jar of pickled onions every day—a remark that, in hindsight, I should have kept to myself.
‘Let’s Name Her Yolanda!’
As soon as she’s physically able to, your partner will want to start fighting about names. Choosing a name is always a difficult business and the one occasion in a child’s life when it would be better not to have two parents.
Here are the ground rules: She’ll have no respect for your taste in first names, and you’ll have none for hers. Boys’ names are a particularly sensitive issue, especially since your mission is to ensure that the name chosen will in no way be a source of amusement to your son’s peers. In her present delicate mental state, your partner may easily get it into her head that Monty is a good name for a boy; so compromise won’t be an option. Brink-manship is the only strategy: If she says Monty, you say Lucky. Change your first choice every day, and make it clear your taste is rapidly drifting toward the eccentric—suggest Laars, Vince, The Bird, Selwyn, Chief, Beppe, and Ultan the Destroyer. When you both eventually settle on John, it will look as if you’re the one who gave the most ground.
Here are a few tips on naming: First, don’t squander a second favorite on a middle name—another child of the same sex could be just around the corner. I’ve got three boys, and we ended up trying to bribe the oldest to donate his middle name to his baby brother, to no avail. Second, all girls’ names have the potential to become extremely fashionable, even Wanda; so keep an open mind. Third, as hard as it is to believe, none of this will matter in a few months. Once your son has a face and a personality, you will not be able to imagine him with any name other than Roderick.
Class Warfare
At some point you’ll need to break off the argument over names to discuss prenatal classes. You will have many questions about the nature of these classes: What are they like? Are they boring? Helpful? Embarrassing? Just plain disgusting? The answer is: yes. Do you have to go? Almost certainly. So try to go to one you know other men will attend. I went to an introductory class with my wife in which I was the only man, and I was made to lie on a mat and exercise my vagina. Apparently during the coffee break, all the other mothers talked about what a brave and considerate husband I must be, but they didn’t know I was already halfway home in a cab, shuddering uncontrollably.
It’s important to have other men there because it’s important to look at other men. From birth minus nine months and counting, you’ll probably wonder whether you actually have what it takes to be a dad. One look at the collection of fidgeting, frightened clowns gathered at a typical prenatal class will give you all the confidence you need. For the first and perhaps only time in your life, you will believe that your child is lucky to have you for a father. Of course the other fathers will be thinking the same thing as they look at you, so it all works out rather neatly.
Insanity Sets In
Toward the middle of the pregnancy, you may find that sex begins to tail off somewhat, if it doesn’t disappear entirely. Some women actually experience an increase in sexual desire around this time, or so I’ve heard, but I don’t know who they are or how to get in touch with them. Anyway, it’s too late for that.
Worse than her lack of desire, however, will be the onset of the third trimester and the first telltale signs that your partner has gone stark raving mad. There are the mood swings that will cause her to cry during all commercials and laugh hysterically at ice hockey. There is the absent-mindedness that will turn her into a human screen saver for much of the day. Then there is the weird “nesting” instinct, which doesn’t resemble nesting so much as it does shopping. In the wild, the gravid female mammal rarely is seized with an instinctive urge to run out and buy a state-of-the-art bottle sterilizer and 16 pairs of baby socks. You may also discover that your partner’s absent-mindedness has a certain aggressive quality and is directed largely at you. She will lose your keys instead of hers, or force you to drive long distances to buy things she has already purchased.
The Fat Lady Sings (Finally)
For much of the last month, time will seem to stand still, but the day will come when the reality of your impending fatherhood hits you like a slap in the face. For me it was when I noticed that the expiration date on the milk in the fridge was later than the baby’s estimated due date. I thought: I’m going to be a dad before this milk turns sour! The baby will be born in time to see this milk! First babies are often late, however, so be prepared for that date, and several more besides, to come and go without anything happening. Then, just when both of you have forgotten that you are even having a baby, her water will break in the middle of Leno.
Do not panic. Walk calmly to the mirror and read the instructions you have taped to your forehead. It is best to have transportation arranged in advance, in the form of a car service or willing neighbor. Attempting to drive your partner to the hospital while she vacillates between brief flashes of agony and moments of quiet terror is generally regarded as unsafe. Women are especially peeved by having to give birth while pinned beneath the wreckage of an Acura.
Regarding whether you have to watch the birth—you do. Your presence in the delivery room is required so you can bear witness to the festival of agonizing pain that is all your fault. Nobody gets away with sitting in some waiting room smoking anymore. They don’t even have those waiting rooms anymore.
Deliverance
There is a growing consensus that in the modern delivery suite, the father should play some kind of active role; so the doctor or midwife will keep giving you little odd jobs to do. With my first child I was given a damp cloth and told to wipe my wife’s forehead, which I did dutifully even though she kept hissing, “Get the screw away from me with that goddamned towel!” At the birth of our second child, I was holding one of my wife’s legs in position while monitoring some bleeping machine. Then they gave me a big pair of scissors and asked me to cut the umbilical cord, as if I were inaugurating a strip mall; but I declined. By our third baby, I assumed they would give me my own office, but instead I got demoted to fetching drinks for everyone. So there’s a lesson for you: Just do what you’re told and cut the cord. Failure to do so could adversely affect your career in obstetrics.
With the onset of labor comes that other all-important question: Are you going to faint? This is what the nurses kept asking me at the birth of my first child: “Are you likely to faint?” How the hell should I know? It depends on what I’m going to see. In the end I didn’t faint, and I don’t recommend that you do, either. It looks sort of sweet and emotional on TV, but in real life you’ll just be lying on the floor, getting in everyone’s way, which is deeply un-cool. Stay up at the end where your wife’s head is if you think you’re at risk. You’ll see plenty from there, believe me.
Cigar Time
When the baby comes out, you will be completely overcome as it suddenly dawns on you that you’re the proud owner of a little person with a face like an angry raisin. Nothing can prepare you for the condensed emotion of this moment, so unless you’ve written something especially for the occasion, it’s best not to say anything. Even if you haven’t been practicing your look of awestruck emotional overload, it should come quite naturally and will suffice for the time being.
There’s no need to watch the placenta being delivered, or any of the other stuff that follows. It’s not pretty, you’ll have already seen what you came to see, and if you made it this far without fainting, you may as well quit while you’re ahead. Everybody’ll be tired by then, so it’ll be OK for you to go home, make a lot of phone calls, and get drunk by yourself. Once you’re good and drunk, it’ll be important to stop making phone calls.
At some point in the next few hours, it will dawn on you that the end of the pregnancy means the beginning of a whole new life for you. This will be the first time in your shallow existence that you will fully understand the meaning of the expression “long haul.” A child requires a lot more commitment than a Labrador. Some of these babies live to be 80. Still, you’ll have brought a new life into the world, and the human experience will have come full circle, a staggering notion that will spark in your mind a profound and humbling question:
‘Now That I’m A Dad, Am I Ever Going To Have Sex Again?’
All right—there’s no reason you can’t resume a healthy sex life as soon as you’re both ready. But it will probably be at least six weeks before your partner completely lets go of the idea of becoming a celibate, so I wouldn’t even mention sex before then. What with the shock of the birth, the stress of the sleepless nights, and the sinking feeling that sex is what got you into this mess in the first place, you may not be ready to resume relations for a while yourself. Take your time. No matter how long you need to prepare yourself mentally and physically to make love for the first time after the birth, your partner will still look you in the eye and say, “You’ve got to be kidding.”