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Governors Gone Wild!

Jindal_blog.jpgBobby Jindal, Louisiana (R)
Born Piyush Jindal, the country’s youngest governor, 37, took his name from the youngest member of a noted TV family: Bobby Brady. Other fun facts? His staff has noted that he rarely eats lunch and never seems to have to urinate. Jindal was a biology major, but supports schools’ teaching “intelligent design” (which includes the belief that Noah rode a dinosaur onto the Ark), and in 1994 he wrote an essay about a friend’s exorcism. He says it not only cast out the demon but also cured his friend of cancer. Eat it, Beelzebub!



C.L. “Butch” Otter, Idaho (R)
This priesthood dropout loves all God’s creatures—except for one. In January 2007, Otter called for a “gray wolf kill,” which would extinguish all but 100 from the state.Back in 1992, while lieutenant governor, Otter was arrested for driving under the influence just days after being crowned Mr. Tight Jeans in a local bar. Buzz kill! But he had his side of the story, as reported in an Idaho Statesman editorial: “He offered a laughable list of excuses for failing field sobriety tests: his stocking feet were stung by weeds and gravel; he’d run eight miles and his knee hurt; he was hungry; he’d soaked his chewing tobacco in Jack Daniel’s. On top of all that, the reason a Meridian police officer observed him swerving was he was reaching for his cowboy hat, which had been blown off by the wind in his open car.” We’re still waiting for the laughable part.

Sonny Perdue, Georgia (R)
Here’s a guy who knows how to get things done. During a severe drought in November 2007, Perdue stood on the capitol steps and led a statewide prayer for rain. A snippet: “Father, forgive us and lead us to honor You as You honor us with showers of blessing.” Bring on the golden showers, Baby Jesus!

Richardson_blog.jpgBill Richardson, New Mexico (D)
The portly, bewigged Richardson’s original official biography stated he was drafted by the Kansas City Athletics. When the Albuquerque Journal called bullshit on his field of dreams, Richardson clarified that some­one told him he “would or could” be drafted. Moving on, Billy gave the Obama administration one of its first blemishes when he withdrew his name for commerce secretary. It seems he forgot to tell vettors he was being investigated for granting a $1.48 million construction contract to one of his campaign donors. ¡Ay caramba!



Rick Perry, Texas (R)
In 2006, Governor Perry attended a service during which Rev. John Hagee stated, “If you live your life and don’t confess your sins to God Almighty through the authority of Christ and His blood, I’m going to say this very plainly: You’re going straight to hell with a nonstop ticket.” When given the opportu­nity to rebuke the reverend, Perry replied, “In my faith that’s what it says, and I’m a believer of that.” Another thing Perry believes in? “Cat Scratch Fever.” Perry invited Ted Nugent to perform at an inaugural gala, wherein the Motor City Madman took the stage in a Confederate flag T-shirt and shouted colorful remarks about non-English speakers. Was Governor Perry outraged? According to the Nuge, Perry advised him on how to deal with the press: “Tell them to drop dead.” Slightly more charming was the way Perry ended a TV interview in 2005. Not realizing the camera was still on, he signed off, “Adios, mofo.”

Palin_blog.jpgSarah Palin, Alaska (R)
You lived through 2008, right? Palin inspired enthusiasm, disgust, and, hap­pily, the Hustler porno “Who’s Naylin’ Paylin’?” Since her lost VP bid, her unmarried 18-year-old daughter gave birth to a child named Tripp. (The baby’s other grandma was arrested for allegedly dealing OxyContin.) Palin officially launched her political action committee, which points to her running for prez in 2012. (Incidentally, the same year the Mayan calendar says the world will end.) The undisputed superstar of the RNC, she recently threw her beehive behind her fellow nutbag Rick Perry’s run for re-election in Texas, writing, “He walks the walk of a true conservative. And he sticks by his guns—and you know how I feel about guns.” Then, we’re assuming, she winked.

Schwarzenegger_blog.jpgArnold Schwarzenegger, California (R)
It’s a rare governor indeed whose bare penis comes up in a Google image search. The former action star loved to grab women as much as barbells, and accusations of groping came to light in a 2003 Los Angeles Times article. The Governator replied, “Many of the things in there are not true, because that’s not my behavior…And then other things may be true, and in case it is, that’s why I said I want to apologize if I offended anyone, because that was not my intention.” Well, that clears that up! Three years later he was heard musing on a female Puerto Rican lawmaker and her “very hot” ethnic mix of “the black blood” and “the Latino blood.” Hey, at least he doesn’t discriminate. Way back in 1977, he told Oui magazine, “I can look at a chick who’s a little out of shape, and if she turns me on, I won’t hesitate to date her. If she’s a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don’t care.” To be fair, Gov. Arnie has exceeded all expectations since taking power—granted, those expectations were set by watching him kill Richard Dawson in The Running Man.

Crist_blog.jpgCharlie Crist, Florida (R)
Has doggedly fought the pesky rumors that he spent most of the 1990s partying in a gay bar in Tampa called the Green Iguana. Among other straightening tactics, a GOP strategist leaked a “sex tape” of Crist, actually just footage of him making out with a woman in an elevator. Not so lucky is his rumored longtime male “confidant,” ex-con BruceCarlton Jordan. Asked about the relation­ship, Crist said, “I don’t know who Bruce Jordan is.” Ouch! But how about that tan? All the heat he’s taken for things like going on pricey taxpayer-funded vacations and collecting campaign contri­butions from illegal aliens maintains his glorious pudding-skin sheen year-round.

Jim Gibbons, Nevada (R)
In a five-week span in 2007, the nimble-fingered Gibbons sent 867 text messages to his wife. Whoops, we mean to someone else’s wife. The wife of a Reno podiatrist, actually. No stranger to tainted love, the now-divorced gov. was earlier accused of sexually assaulting Chrissy Mazzeo, a 32-year-old cocktail waitress, in a parking garage in 2006. When the DA declared there was insufficient evidence, Gibbons determined, “I learned an important lesson: Never offer a helping hand to anybody ever again.” Just the words you’d hope for from someone dedicated to serving the public! Visitors to the state capitol would be likely to find the governor…not there. This past August Gibbons was in his office a total of five days. Remarked Gibbons, “I never knew this job had a time frame on it that requires me to be sitting behind a desk at a certain hour.” He has a point. Does it say anywhere in the governor’s handbook that you actually have to go to work?

Patterson_blog.jpgDavid Paterson, New York (D)
After stepping in for rear-entry afici­onado Eliot Spitzer, Paterson beat the muck­rakers to the punch, dishing about every embarrassing thing he had ever done—all on his first day on the job. Cocaine abuse? Check. Extramarital affairs too numer­ous to recall in a sleazy Days Inn? Gotcha covered. Auto-fellatio attempt while riding a merry-go-round? Wouldn’t have surprised us. The legally blind, panic-attack-prone gov. inspired one of the few funny skits on SNL, then had to get all victimy and complain that the skit was offensive to people with disabilities. Hey, SNL, it isn’t nice to thrash people on the national stage. Well, unless their name is Caroline Kennedy, that is.