Ideas for a movie we’ll never watch, based on a book we’ve never read!
Every woman’s favorite masturbatory-material-it’s-ok-to-read-on-the-subway, 50 Shades Of Grey, is being made into a movie slated for release on August 1st of next year, and the stars have just been announced. As you could probably predict for a property that has many, many fans with many, many Twitter accounts, people have lost their fucking minds over it. Since we’ve never read the book, the announcement that Sons Of Anarchy and Pacific Rim star Charlie Hunnam will play Christian Grey and daughter-of-Sonny-Crockett Dakota Johnson will play Anastasia Steele was met in the Maxim office with a vague shrug and a sort of, “…huh” noise, which was briefly interrupted by the sound of ovaries exploding across town at Cosmopolitan. Still, having a strong opinion on things we know nothing about is nothing if not a Maxim trademark, so here’s our thoughts on who should have been cast in Suburban Mom Fan Fiction: The Movie.
Here’s what we know about “Christian Grey” from briefly scrolling through the 50 Shades wiki page (3,444 words!) on the toilet: He’s 27, he’s attractive, he’s into BDSM, he’s rich, and, uh, that seems to be the entire depth of his character. Still, fuck it, let’s get casting!
Photo by Mark Sullivan/Getty Images
Fulfilling absolutely none of the physical characteristics required of the role, Ron Perlman is nevertheless our first choice. We’re guessing Christian is supposed to be kind of an intimidating character, and can you imagine anyone more terrifying to administer a stern spanking than Perlman? He’s also got some experience in cross-dressing, should the plot happen to take that kind of a sexual twist. Does it? We have no idea.
Photo by Warner Brothers/Everett Collection
He’s British, he’s young, and he’s used to starring in movie adaptations of mega-selling epics. He’s also done his share of writhing around in the nude thanks to his stint in Equus in London’s West End, so surely it makes sense to give the guy a shot at waving a more metaphorical magic wand for a change?
Photo by Isaiah Trickey/Getty Images
Again, he’s not exactly the right age, but did you see his sex tape? That dude knows all there is to know about emotionless, awkward, joyless sex. He’s perfect.
Anastasia is described as a 21-year-old college senior with blue eyes, brown hair, and – and we’re just guessing here – low self esteem. Going by the Twitter reaction, it would be impossible to cast anybody that would please more than two, maybe three fans at once, but here’s a few suggestions regardless.
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A porn star who also has some legit acting credits, and whose name is actually “Grey”? Come on, guys, it’s not that difficult! How much do casters get paid? Is it more than us? We’re guessing yes. We’re also asking if there are any jobs available, because we’ve got this shit down.
Mer-Man from He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe
Courtesy of Mill Creek Entertainment
Never let it be said that we can’t think outside the box here at Maxim! Jokes aside, we haven’t really seen Mer-Man in much since He-Man ended in 1985, and it’d be great to see the guy get some more movie work. We’re convinced he’s due for a big comeback any day now, so producers should get on this while they still can.
Big Ang from Mob Wives
Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images
We are literally just throwing darts at a copy of Us Weekly at this point.