We’re using the word “winners” very loosely here.
At the end of last year, we asked you guys for your hook-up horror stories, and offered the winner a goody bag that included a bottle of Sex Panther cologne. We now regret that. It turns out, you guys have experienced a lot of really, really gross things, and the number of stories we had to disqualify on the grounds that they'd get this website shut down was legitimately shocking. Honestly, there’d be a whole separate lawsuit based purely on the number of stories that involved skidmarks.
Anyway! On to the results. We’re going to start with two runners up that we enjoyed, and you’ll find the winning entry at the bottom. We’d also like to say thanks for all the stories you guys left on our Facebook page – they were great! - but we can only count the ones that were actually sent to the contest email, so, if you’re wondering why your entry didn’t win, that might be why. Instructions are fun, y’all!
THE RUNNERS UP:
MILF (Mom I’d Like To Forget)
"Have you ever been in one of those really kinky, all about sex relationships where the girl can't get enough of you and has to have sex in pretty much every public place imaginable? Well, that was my first girlfriend in high school to a tee. We would find places in shopping malls, public parks, fairgrounds, public bathrooms, and pretty much anywhere a little bit of privacy could be found. So of course, when we went to the movies on Valentine's Day and the theater was completely empty, it was a perfect opportunity to do the 'nasty.' So in the middle of humping each other's brains out we notice someone walking into the theater and coming up the steps towards where we were...turned out to be my Mom! Apparently, she called my work and found out I left early and wanted to surprise us and come see the movie. Luckily the theater was too dark for her to notice that my girlfriend was only wearing her panties and gave me time to distract her until my girl could quickly jump up and pull her pants up. That was a close call, but pretty horrifying at the time!" -Mike
We guess our main question here is, why the hell was your mom trying to join you on your Valentine’s Day date in the first place?
Don’t Get It In Your Eyes
"I tried to have sex with a bottle of shampoo, once. Needless to say…never again." -Justin
After some of the other entries we received, there’s a lot to be said for brevity.
Undead In Bed
"I once tried hooking up with this hot little blonde who had had my attention for some time. I didn't know her personally all too well, but had seen her around the local bars. Everything was going good as we went back to her place and instantly headed to the bedroom. We start off great as I progressively removed her clothes. Then she starts to moan a little bit, which makes me think this is about to turn into a great romp, but all of a sudden she grabs me by the neck, aggressively pushes me back and frantically says, 'Wait, stop! I can't do this!' and tightly bear hugs me around the waist as she begins to cry. Now I'm sitting there, with her still tightly gripped around my waist - I've only been able to remove my shirt so my pants are still on - just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I ask if she's alright, and tell her we don't have to do anything she doesn't wanna do, and she apologizes and proceeds to tell me why she freaked out. She explains the situation by telling me that she believes her apartment is haunted, and that she’s had a couple of encounters with the so-called 'spirit.' The most tantalizing tale was the one where apparently, one night, she woke up in the middle of the night because she couldn't breathe and felt like she was being choked. Then she tells me we had to stop because she felt as if the 'spirit' was watching us. So there I am, kneeling on the bed with a frantic and scared naked college girl around my waist, and really no logical plan of attack. We laid down for just under an hour, and she was able to fall asleep. The second she was out, so was I - meaning out the front door. In the slim chance a spirit was present, I've seen enough movies to know that there was no way I was sticking around till 3AM to find the pissed off spirit has a thing for her and wants to mess with the guy she brought home. I high-tailed it outta there. Can't say anyone I know has been cock-blocked by a ghost before, but hell, I guess there's always something." -Scott
Wow. Just…wow. Scott, we can’t guarantee that your prize - a bottle of Sex Panther cologne, a copy of Anchorman on DVD, a $25 AMC gift card, and a copy of the book, Let Me Off At the Top! My Classy Life And Other Musings, by Ron Burgundy – will make up for that experience, but the cologne should, at least, keep the ghosts away.