So what if you're ugly? Being hideous certainly didn't stop these lucky bastards from getting themselves some grade-A leg.
Padma Lakshmi & Salman Rushdie- Lucky Eggheaded Bastard Award: Being a musician apparently isn't the only path to landing hot leg. Squash-faced scribbler Salman Rushdie somehow scribbled his way into Padma's unbelievably lithe, luscious heart.
Marilyn Monroe & Arthur Miller- Lucky Eggheaded Bastard Award Pt. 2: More evidence, kids, that you should stay in school! Another egghead writer and another way-out-of-his-league wife. It was a brief, unhappy marriage, but for its duration, the police were summoned 18 times to Miller and Monroe's house to address complaints from neighbors that shouts of "HOLY SHIT I'M FUCKING MARILYN MONROE, WOO HOO" was disturbing the peace.
Pam Anderson & Kid Rock- Pam already had hepatitis before she married Kid, but we're pretty sure he gave her double hepatitis on their honeymoon.
Denise Richards & Richie Sambora- Dear Denise: We really don't understand you. You leave that creep Charlie Sheen, which was good. But then you hook up with Richie "Are you going to eat that?" Sambora? Come on, honey! Here's five bucks. Go to the store and buy yourself some self-esteem.
Portia de Rossi & Ellen DeGeneres- Oh, Portia. You were the only reason we kept watching Arrested Development, even at the end when it started to suck. We've got four inches of piping-hot hairy flesh that should give you four reasons to leave Ellen and her lesbian sneakers.
Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman- All right, Bratman, hands in the air, and back slowly away from the hot woman. No sudden movements, or we'll open fire. You heard us! We have two reasons to get up in the morning. One: because we know at some point in the day we'll get to drink a beer. And two: seeing pics of this jug-eared wonder getting reluctantly dragged—in a hula skirt no less—to his own Hawaiian-themed b-day party by his too-hot-for-you wife.
Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas- Catherine's the sole reason we're T-Mobile subscribers. Hearing her husky voice say the words "get moooooore" makes us put our cells on vibrate, then dial ourselves while watching The Legend of Zorro in slow motion. He is one of those men who, as they age, look more and more like an old woman who should be fixing a pot of borscht. Damn you, Douglas!
Kate Moss & Pete Doherty- Our favorite supermodel somehow keeps on being super. But Pete D.? Really, this is the best you can do, Kate? He hasn't brushed his teeth in six years, and his gums are rotting from alcohol and drug abuse, giving him breath so terrible that it could kill babies. Christ, how we wish we'd stuck to our after-school guitar lessons!
Beth O. & Howard Stern- We love you, Howard, very, very dearly. But good Lord, man, there's no way you deserve to be making your Dutch ovens every night with this leg-tastic blonde.
Rebecca Romijn & John Stamos- Dear John Stamos: You blew it, man. You'd basically won the Leg Lottery, landing yourself a jackpot of a woman. How this happened, especially after you embarrassed yourself for all those years on Full House, no one will ever really know. And then you lost it to Jerry O'Connell. Jerry "fucking" O'Connell, man! If you're not crying yourself to sleep at night with one of Romijn's old thongs over your head, you're a better man than we are.
Mariah Carey & Tommy Mottola- Beauty & the Beast Award: He's balding, potbellied, and wears a beard that looks like something he found in a dumpster outside a taping of Hee Haw. And he calls himself "Tommy." Not "Tom" or "the T-Man." "Tommy." And yet somehow he got to explore Mariah's talented vocal chords in ways we can only imagine.
Claudia Schiffer & David Copperfield- Copperfield's greatest illusion: making the once-sexy Schiffer's dignity disappear. Completely. And unlike the Statue of Liberty, Copperfield never brought it back.