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How To Celebrate Father’s Day (If Your Dad’s A Zombie)

Ah, Father’s Day. Aside from the Super Bowl and the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, it’s the pinnacle of every father’s year. It’s a day where you can tell Dad, “Hey, I think I, like, might, love you, and stuff?” while you both wear matching chinos and grill hundreds of pounds of rib eye together. But what happens if your pops happens to be a bile-vomiting, shredded pants-wearing, cannibalistic creature of the grave? Hallmark forgot to craft a card that thanks the most thoughtful (and rapidly decaying) zombie dad in your life.

Now, your zombie dad is incapable of loving you emotionally, but don’t take it personally - he does not have a heart. He ate it. And while he cannot memorize nor pronounce your name, he senses a kinship. You bury his crusty corpse in the backyard every morning at dawn; clean up every pickle jar he smashes; and dispose of the remains of every elk that he kills. While he may be a bit of an eyesore, your zombie dad is a cool cadaver (literally - he has no body temperature), so here are some fun things to do with zombie dad on Father’s Day.


Go For A Ride On A Carousel

Photo: Getty Images & AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

A carousel ride is a great bonding experience for a zombie and son. You don’t have to worry about waiting in a line because, upon dad’s arrival, crowds will immediately flee the scene, granting you and your zombie dad the opportunity to spend quality time together without distractions. Anyone who sticks around will most likely be devoured by pops, so, in fun news, you’ll be able to pick any pony you want. Yay! Of course, due to the mass hysteria that will erupt once your zombie dad is spotted, he may feel confused and saddened. He will express this by ripping poles and gears from the ride and throwing them into the distance. Reassure him that the opinions of others don’t matter, and calm him down by feeding him some pink cotton candy (it will remind him of a soft brain). Who knows? He may smile. Or vomit. Or bleed from the holes in his stomach. Either way, you’ll know he’s feeling better! Once your zombie becomes a little more jovial, hop back on those plastic ponies and high-five each other until both of his hands fall off.  

Enjoy A Strip Club

Photo: Getty Images & AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Zombies enjoy flesh, so why not take him to an establishment that relentlessly waves it all up in your face? Because he’s not great with social niceties, just remind your zombie dad that the local topless joint is not a sushi bar, and that he has to keep his appetite in check. Zombie dad will enjoy the ambience; the dim lighting and disheveled choreography will remind him of his own shambling world, and the $15 drafts won’t faze him since he no longer understands the concept of currency. Swipe his AMEX card like crazy – in the end, it won’t matter, because his billing address is “pile of dirt,” and if the collection agencies do manage to find him, he’ll most likely eat their faces off.

Head To Dave & Buster’s

Photo: Getty Images & AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Zombies aren’t known for being super competitive. Instead, they’re rather clumsy and enjoy destroying things, so if you get kicks out of being crowned the champion of skee-ball, Dave & Buster’s is the perfect spot to claim your victory. Meanwhile, your zombie dad will amuse himself by pushing down all of the arcade games. Don’t forget to bond while you’re there - pair up and bowl against a set of bug-eyed onlookers, and prove to them that having a zombie as a bowling partner (and a dad!) isn’t a handicap. Bask in the applause when he pulls his head off his body and throws it down the lane - almost everyone will cheer! True, the rest will cry (and possibly faint), but most people will cheer. Having a headless dad standing in a bowling alley will only be awkward for you if his cold cranium gets stuck in the gutter and you have to ask the snarky teenage employees to fish it out. Teenagers hate that stuff.

Open A Lemonade Stand

Photo: Getty Images & AMC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Teach your dad about business and open a lucrative neighborhood lemonade stand together. Everyone enjoys a cold glass of lemonade on a hot summer’s day! Everyone except for zombies, that is - they prefer slurping bile from a still-pulsing gallbladder. It takes all sorts! You can cut the fresh lemons, while zombie dad mashes them with his elbows and rubs the fruit all over his chest. At the very least, the lemon scent will help mask dad’s decomposing smell, which, on a hot day, is going to be something of a relief. Give him a task like creating signs to direct foot traffic to the stand. He doesn’t know how to write, spell or communicate right now, but he’ll need to learn, especially if he wants to fill out that Starbucks application soon. And if he gets frustrated with grammar or holding a marker, let him blow off some steam by eating a neighbor. Cheers! 

Want more Father's Day stuff? Check out our Dads & Grads Gift Guide and the Hottest Daughters of Rockstars

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