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How To Handle A Moose (That’s In Love With You)

This may be the most important guide you ever read. Although probably not.

Camping is the epitome of summertime bliss. High-fiving your buddies around a cooler while Jimmy falls asleep face down in the campfire is exactly what our Founding Fathers fought for (no, seriously, it’s in the constitution. Possibly). However, while exploring America’s perky mountains and voluptuous forests this year, it’s important to take heed. The wilderness and its fulltime residents are no joke, and many unwanted encounters await you and your booze-filled backpack: mudslides (minus the Kahlúa); flying squirrels; flying squirrels riding on top of other flying squirrels; backwoods bubbas with banjos; and Courtney Love. And worse than all these combined? A horny moose.

We’re serious. Moose are horny. And moose don’t play games. If a moose takes a liking to your sweet caboose, you may not survive the experience. But don’t fret, short shorts-loving camper—to prepare you from unwanted advancements by brazen beasts, we consulted some wilderness experts and even our own in-house moose (TJ from accounting). Here’s how to avoid those lady moose this summer.

Photo: Patrik Stollarz / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

First, lay off the bench press and protein shakes. It’s a well known fact that lady moose - also known as cows (moo, baby!) - prefer their suitors to be broad and bulky. Yep, just like human chicks! Unless you’re in a band, then girls be like, “I love a man who I can share jeans with.” So if you’re tiny and frail, a lady moose will totally bypass your bony bod - she’s on the prowl for something burly and tough, like LL Cool J, or a Mob Wife. Really, this is a double-whammy for us guys who aren’t built like brick shithouses – firstly, it means we don’t have to worry about getting in shape before going on vacation, and secondly, if you’re super-small, the only thing near your campsite that will fancy your physique is a playful possum. That shit is easy to deal with, friend-o: When that happens, you can politely approach the possum and say, “Hey there, possum. You seem really nice, but I’m just going to lay low tonight. Sushi, Friday night?” And then never bring up sushi again. Awkward crush crisis averted!

Photo: Shaun Lowe / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Our experts inform us that after streaming a few Robin Thicke tracks on Spotify, a cow moose is totally going to be in heat (Robin makes the cows quiver.) And when homegirl is feeling naughty, she wants every buck in the area to know – including you! The naughty moosette will signal all potential one night stands by carving bare spots on tree trunks with her mouth (FYI: Like Grandma and most British girls, a cow’s mouth contains no upper teeth). Next, she’ll rub her head on the freshly-carved area and mark it with a scent produced from glands on her forehead, which is said to smell like the armpit of an Apple Store Genius Bar employee doused in Nicki Minaj’s Pink Friday perfume. You may be tempted to block this stench out with soft mud and twigs, but don’t! This smell is your indicator that a rampant she-moose is on the prowl, so make sure to sniff all trees you walk past to see if there are any hump-happy cows in the vicinity. And because sniffing trees is fun!

Photo: Robert McGouey / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

We know that you want to show off your sweet skimboarding skills in front of your bros, but June through September is the most common time of the year to encounter a moose feeding in open wetlands, so it’s advised that you leave your board at grandma’s house. Sorry, tiger. If a cow moose glances up, mid-graze, and finds you acting all alpha in her wettest of wetlands, she will pounce, and it won’t be pretty. Instead of touting your testosterone in a pair of dripping board shorts, try simplistic recreational activities that will make you seem less adventurous and undesirable to a moose in heat – activities like reverse wrist curling exercises, vlogging, or harmonizing on a kazoo. Don’t let yourself be a cow moose’s sleazy one night stand - you’re better than that! And if you do find yourself yearning for something seven feet tall, 900 pounds, and prone to super-aggressive bellowing, just wander down to the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings and pick up a happy hour regular. It’s safer in the long run.

Get more animals! Check out Maxim Meets Lil' Bub and 6 Celebrities Who Look Like Dinosaurs.