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How To Pee Perfectly, According to Scientists

You're gonna want to sit down for this.


Photo: RonTech2000 | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013


A group of physicists at Brigham Young University took a break from studying Lagrangian mechanics and wave-particle duality to delve into more important topics, like how not to tinkle all over yourself.

These scientists, who hilariously call themselves the "Wizz Kids" (suggested slogan: "We're Number One!"), studied the physics properties of men's urine streams to determine what technique results in the least amount of splash-back. They discovered what they referred to as "the worst thing that can possibly happen." No, your wee doesn't up and join a genocidal dictator in committing crimes against humanity. But it's close: they found that your urine follows the "Plateau-Rayleigh instability," which means that a stream breaks up into drops before striking something else. The horror! Tinkle sprinkled everywhere! 

To limit the splashy effects, they found that it's best to pee like a lady, in the ol' sitting-on-a-toilet position. But when standing at a urinal, the least amount of spray comes when the piddler stands as close to the urinal as possible (without contracting a disease) and then hitting the back of the urinal at a downward angle. The worst techniques? Aiming directly into the urinal, into the puddle at the bottom, or straight at your neighbor's chinos.  

The researchers also discovered that many of the cleansers used on urinals make splash-back worse because they reduce surface tension. So the next time you need to make yellow water, get up close and personal with the filthiest pisser in the joint and aim low. 

Gotta go number two? We already told you how to do that. 

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