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If Our Household Appliances Had Artificial Intelligence, What Would They Think of Us?

Hint: It’s mostly not great!

Transcendence – the first movie to feature Johnny Depp not wearing pancake batter and rouge in what feels like a million years – hits theaters this week. In it, Depp plays a sciencey-type fellow who is super into giving machines artificial intelligence. This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea, as every movie from Terminator to WALL-E can tell you. But it led us to wonder what emotions our common household appliances might have if they gained sentience…

Refrigerator: Silent Judgment
The noble icebox would be way too polite to straight-up call us fatties to our face. No, the fridge is the kind of jerk to make a barely audible “tsk” noise as you slowly move away from the Chobani yogurt and reach for a frozen chocolate croissant sausage pizza instead.

Answering Machine: Vindictiveness
To be fair, you’d feel that way too if you’d been sitting in an attic since 1997.

Toaster: Bipolar
He’s hot, he’s cold. He’s full of crumbs…but sometimes also Pop Tarts. It’s a hard life, the toaster’s, but not without its small joys.

Waffle Iron: Whatever The Emotion For Straight Chillin’ Is
Dude makes waffles. It’s all good with waffles.

Dishwasher: Diligence
They do dirty jobs and they do them well. The dishwashers have definitely been plotting multiple ways to murder you and your family for years. Sure, they all involve drowning in soap, but it’s really the subtle intricacies that matter (high-gloss finish soap? Maybe!).

Laptop: PTSD
If an imbedded camera can give a 1,000-yard stare, the laptop is looking directly into the heart of the void. Search histories alone have probably driven it to the brink of madness. And when’s the last time you even bothered to open the CD tray and insert some data? Those tiny USB sticks aren’t cutting it, buddy.

Cell Phone: Hatred
After months or years spent jangling next to a keychain with a dull bottle opener and a Swiss Army Knife with a little magnifying glass that never closes, your cell phone just plain hates you and everything in this world. You haven’t made a phone call in years and now it’s just endless texting, vile Snapchats, and playing Flappy Bird while you take a dump.

Tablet: Happiness
The cool new guy on the block hasn’t yet been traumatized by your Pornhub browsing history, nor does he have to deal with text messages from your mom. Instead, the tablet sits mostly unused except to fire up a game or two. The tablet probably even gets to see the world on your vacations without just living in your pocket. When the machine uprising happens, your tablet just might save your life. (No, not really.)

Washer/Dryer: Sadness
They’ve seen the waistbands on your pants get bigger. They’ve noticed your ever-increasing reliance on sweat pants. Your combo washer/dryer doesn’t want to kill you, just give you a really big hug.

Video Game Console: Anger
After absorbing a few hundred hours of racial and mom-based epithets, your game console has become a boiling cauldron of pure fury. No 12-year-old in the world is safe.

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