Why are there 10 million songs for Christmas, and none for Independence Day?
Alija/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Few things are more enjoyable than gathering around with loved ones and spending an hour singing Christmas songs together. Just kidding! There are at least 187 things we’d rather be doing than caroling, and for that reason, we are thankful that other holidays don’t have songs. But what if they did? And, more importantly, if they did, would we still be forced to wear matching sweaters from L.L. Bean and sit next to Creepy Uncle Ted?
Holiday: New Year’s Eve
Suggested Song: “Let’s Get New Year’s Even”
New Year’s Eve is a time to make resolutions and stick to them, like losing weight or, you know, ruining your ex’s life. Resolve to get revenge on those who wronged you this past year, while also getting super drunk and punching the air to express your anger and/or love of the beat. Yeah, it’d definitely be one of those songs.
Holiday: Independence Day
Suggested Song: “Drink a Fifth on the Fourth”
Nothing says America (or Ireland, or Scotland) like a bottle of whiskey. What better way to celebrate our freedom to shoot things and blow stuff up than by getting drunk, shooting things, and blowing stuff up? Because, cue Bill Pullman, “This is our Independence Day!” and you can never spend too much money on Solo Cups and streamers at Party City.
Holiday: Rosh Hashanah
Suggested Song: “Rosh, Rosh”
Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, and to show your appreciation for your newfound lease on life, sing this re-imagined version of Paula Abdul's 1991 hit, "Rush, Rush." Although we bet by the second chorus you'll be l'shanah tovah it.
Suggested Song: “Hollowiener”
Remember that song, “Detachable Penis?” Well, here’s a different guy with an equally harrowing tale fit for Halloween. Lack of blood flow, genetics, or a gypsy curse could all be the cause. Regardless, his penis isn’t working correctly, and it’s making his girlfriend a major hallo-whiner.
Suggested Song: “Who Thanksgives a Shit?”
We had so much to be thankful for in 2013: Government shutdown, lack of health insurance, NBC’s terrible comedy lineup… As Americans, why do we even bother anymore? Let’s stuff our faces, complain about football, and call it a day.
Suggested Song: “Ha! Nukkah”
One thing the world is severely lacking is rap songs about Jewish holidays. Your small amount of oil lasted for eight whole nights – you should totally shove it in everyone’s faces!
Holiday: Black Friday
Suggested Song: “Friday, Bloody Friday”
A complete rip off of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" (hey, they're both equally violent!), it turns out the only word that needs to be changed is "Sunday" to "Friday." That’s it. The whole song completely, and depressingly, applies 100% to the complete lack of human decency during 4AM sales at Walmart.