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International Panic Day Vs. World Sauntering Day: Which Is Better?

They’re both this week, and they’re both stupid. Let’s see which one we should pay attention to.

 

In what might be a testament to the duality of man, or merely a case of bad scheduling, International Panic Day (June 18) and World Sauntering Day (June 19) are placed directly next to each other in the Calendar of Obscure Holidays You Don’t Know or Care About. Obviously this creates a massive conflict of interest to those of us who zealously observe every calendar event the universe can throw at us, so what’s a guy to do - panic or saunter? Not both, surely? After all, it’s common knowledge that only woman can multitask, and it’s been scientifically proven that if a man tries to do two polar activities at once he ends up falling over a cat even if there is no cat in the room. Because we care about your wellbeing, we’ve decided to test drive both panicking and sauntering, in order that you, our valued reader, might make a more informed choice in these dark, confusing times.

 

WAKING UP

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Panic

The perfect alarm call is the warbling sound of your own terrified scream. What was that dream about? What did you shout? Something about raccoons? Too late to worry about it now; you’ll be late for work, and if you’re late you’ll probably be fired, and if you’re fired you’ll probably be homeless, and if you’re homeless there’ll be nothing to protect you from the raccoons! Breakfast? Coffee! Not with hot water, just eat it. It’s time for work and Lord knows the door takes an age, so out the window we go! Wait. Come back, put pants on, leave again. Go!

 

Saunter

Did your alarm go off? Did you even set your alarm? You can hear some smooth, slow jazz, but then that’s what you hear all the time anyway. Maybe it is time to get up, but “maybe” is an abstract concept. Think about that for a while. …I think you fell asleep again. Okay, now you need to pee. Time to get up.

 

GETTING TO WORK


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Panic

Why do they call it Rush Hour Traffic if everybody’s at a stand still? Haha! You might make a lame joke about that if you weren’t busy sprinting across the rooftops of taxi cabs like a white-collar Sonic The Hedgehog. Observational witticisms are for those with the time to make them, not for those currently dodging the angry blows of an incredulous Polish truck driver. Sorry, buddy, but those accounts pending won’t review themselves! What time is it? If you don’t check your watch it doesn’t exist! Onward!

 

Saunter

The great thing about buses is they really give you time to get your head together. You can read a book, have a think, or start a conversation with a fellow passenger as they inch slowly away from you. The best thing is, if you don’t feel like getting off at your stop, you can just stay there until they ask you to leave. Who knows where you’ll end up? Probably not at work.

 

WORK


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Panic

It’s Sheila from processing's birthday and she’s handing out butter-icing cupcakes, but you’re lactose intolerant! Aren’t you? Is it worth the risk to find out? Just say no. But what if your co-workers take your refusal as underlying hostility? What if your supervisor thinks you’re not a team player? What if Sheila thinks you’re calling her fat? Oh my God, here she is. Just smile politely and eat the cake. In fact, eat all of the cakes-- that’ll show ‘em you’re an okay guy! Hmm. That’s actually not a bad cupcake. Wait... is your scalp leaking? Damn you, lactose!

 

Saunter

What’s with the word “serve”, you know? Serve the customer, like he’s some kind of ancient Japanese emperor who wipes his ass with a geisha? This is America, buddy, and we’re all equals - if that guy wants a coffee, let him get his own. You can even show him how to use the machine, because, you know, that’s helping not serving. You can help the customer. The seventeen people behind him won’t mind waiting.

 

GOING HOME


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Panic

You’d love to stop at the bar for a beer with the guys, but what if Gary starts talking about the Steelers again and you can’t help but punch him in the face? What if he fights back? How far are you willing to take it? Are you really willing to go to jail just because Gary’s an asshole? You won’t last a day in prison, not with your pert and girlish lips. Just walk with them as far as O’ Malley’s and then when they’re not looking dart onto the road and through the traffic. TRUCK! Holy shit this was a terrible idea!

 

Saunter

Walking back from work really gives you time to take in the world, you know? The places! the people! The one-eyed man beckoning you into an alley! What’s he selling? Watches? Drugs? Hand-jobs? There’s only one way to find out!

 

GOING TO BED


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Panic

At last you’re safely in bed, ready to surrender your nerves to the sweet relief of unconsciousness. Except... what’s that scratching noise? Sweet Jesus it’s the raccoons!

 

Saunter

When you take the time to stop and smell the roses, you really learn a lot about the world. For instance, who would know that a guy on welfare could afford his own subterranean sex dungeon? Probably not the cops or your concerned relatives, that’s for sure!

 

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