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Karl Welzein (AKA @DadBoner) Names His Top 5 Summer Vacation Spots

The hilarious Twitter sensation shares his best spots for cool vibes this summer.

Everyone’s favorite middle-aged, divorced, Michigan dad - better known by his Twitter handle, @DadBoner - knows a little something about kicking back and enjoying life. For proof, just spend a little time with his feed, which constantly celebrates "cool vibes" and "bold flavors." We asked the bold flavor aficionado to count down his five favorite vacation spots for the summer. Check out Karl’s picks below and snag a copy of his new book, Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style, out July 9th.



‘Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, but a lot of people know me by Captain Karl. It’s ‘cause I’m pretty much the man and also own a boat. Boat’s in pretty bad shape right now. Kinda just knocked over in my old roomie Dave’s apartment parkin’ lot. Might have to swing by and pick it up for repairs before the summer slips away. Babes go bonkers with desire for a real bad boy with a boat, you guys.

When you’re livin’ the all-freedom lifestyle like myself, vacaish opportunities are pretty much 24/7, 365, open on Sundays. But if you’re locked down in a slave cage at some indoor work job, then you gotta really make the primo choice when it comes gettin’ away. Here’s my top 5 spots to really kick back and see the world with ultimate relaxation this summer.

5. Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar (New York, NY)
Never been. But man, it’s gotta be off the chain.
CRAP TO DO:
-Shoot the breeze with Guy about babes.
-Buy some limited edition couture like this bad boy. So money.
-Possibly rap with Guy about bein’ in my new screenplay I wrote, starring Guy, Roadhouse 2013: Pain Still Don’t Hurt.
THE FINEST BOLD FLAVORS:
Anything on the menu is made Guy’s way, so it’s gonna be so money. Maybe ask your smokin’ hot babe server what the chef’s special of the day is?
WHAT BOOZE TO GET BOMBED ON:
Heard Guy does a killer Mango Marg. You just gotta check it out. Might be the best one in the United States right now.


4. Mackinaw Island, MI
Mackinaw Island is kind of a “family” vacay, but if you’re into that, I guess you gotta go.
CRAP TO DO:
-Eat fudge.
-Try not to step in horse crap. They don’t got any cars on the island.
-Get in a fight with your wife and kids ‘cause you ate all the fudge that was supposed to be for sharing, even though you paid for it and should be able to have as much as you want. Then get bombed by yourself and have to deal with their crap the rest of the trip.
THE FINEST BOLD FLAVORS:
Fudge.
WHAT BOOZE TO GET BOMBED ON:
I used to like to hide a bottle of Crown in my bag so when my fam was treatin’ me like trash, I could go get destroyed outside by myself after they hit the sack.
 

3. Kid Rock’s Chillin’ The Most Cruise (Miami To Key West & Redneck Paradise)
Never been, but it’s gotta be first class all the way. It’s pretty much the ultimate tropical getaway, you guys.
CRAP TO DO:
-Peep all the ‘kini babes’ healthy chest beefers.
-Swap bad boy lifestyle stories with Bob. (His real name’s Bob. It’s an insider tip. Anyone who’s down knows that.)
-Have carnal passions with possibly multiple smokin’ babes in your private quarters.
THE FINEST BOLD FLAVORS:
Tough to say, but I’m guessin’ there’s chips & dip, ocean lobsters, and probably some hamburgs too. The works, really. Full spread.
WHAT BOOZE TO GET BOMBED ON:
Kid Rock’s Badass Beer is the specialty of the house, but be prepared to pound about a thousand body shots of Jim Beam off babes who are achin’ to provide you satisfaction.


2. Detroit, MI
‘Nothin’ like Detroit in the summertime, you guys.
CRAP TO DO:
-Tiger game. Bless you boys.
-Peep some fine Detroit honeys. Really ease down the shades to soak up every all natural ounce of those rockin’ cabooses. Mmm-hmmm.
-Hang out after the Tigers game, possibly rappin’ to some babes?
THE FINEST BOLD FLAVORS:
Chris Chelios’ “Cheli’s Chili Bar” across the street from Comerica has some of the finest award-winning chili in the United States. Got some good ribs and crap too. My bro Al broke the toilet there once. Ha! Man, we had SUCH a blast.
WHAT BOOZE TO GET BOMBED ON:
‘Nothin’ like poundin’ an ice cold Stroh’s in Motown on a hot summer day. It’s a local tradish.
 

1. Cabo Wabo Cantina (Cabo San Lucas, Mexico)
Owned by Sammy Hagar, this might be the #1 party spot in the world. Probably on a bunch of those “place to see before you die” lists.
CRAP TO DO:
-Rap with Sammy Hagar ‘bout all the local babes.
-Rock with the heat of a thousand suns.
-Wonder why you don’t live here forever. Should just be part of America. So stupid.
THE FINEST BOLD FLAVORS:
Sammy uses Cabo Wabo Tequila in some of his premium dishes. Make sure to ask your smokin’ Latina server which ones have the most booze in ‘em. And tell ‘em, “Captain Karl sent ya.”
WHAT BOOZE TO GET BOMBED ON:
Cabo Wabo Tequila. You can only get it here (real exclusive) so make sure to pound as much as possible. Don’t be some pink panty sissy about it, kemosabe.
 

United We Rock.


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