The Internet. It's saved lives by networking critical medical information. It's promoted global understanding by widening access to remote societies. And it's given chromosomal mutants of all stripes a forum for their every fleeting, mindless brain ejaculation. Thanks to Facebook, we're now privvy to the errant cerebral scud missiles of second- and third-hand acquaintances that we'd previously been spared. Here are today's worst. (Names withheld.)
Cave-Dwelling Friend A "is excited for the epic Sox comeback!"
Nauseatingly Adorable Friend 2 "loves that Piggy slept on my chest all morning..hehhehe."
Soon-to-Be-Devastated Over-Sharer "is in love..."
Friend Who Mistook Us for Someone Who Cares about Inane Bullshit "one fingernail survived...thanks to a last minute hot cocoa...good to know that some of those traditional remedies still got it."
Self-Indulgent Pseudo-Literary Anus Face "is doing what bivalves do to sand- with words."
Irony-Oblivious Friend 99 "won't stop talking inside her head..."
Eunoch Friend NYC "ordered office supplies. (Including a set of markers!!) Which excites him a bit too much to be qualify as 'normal.'"
Ass Kisser Who Takes Facebook too Seriously 79 "thinks good friends are hard to come by. I got VERY lucky with all of mine."
Pointless Blusterer OU812 "is always on top, in every aspect of lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."