The stars were out at Christ's College Cambridge last Thursday as the 400th birthday celebration for poet, author, political gadfly, and fashion icon John Milton got underway. Kicking off bright and early at 9 AM, the event was centered around a live reading of all 12 books of Milton's seminal work, Paradise Lost. That's over 10,000 lines of poetry about Heaven, Hell, God, the Devil, and anything else that's been spray-painted on the side of a van or mentioned in the liner notes of a Ronnie James Dio album.
We, naturally, caught the red carpet arrivals first—Oh! Is that Jean-Marie
Gustave Le Clézio? Who's that woman with him? And I don't know what Oxford
Poetry Chairman Christopher Ricks was doing in the limo on the way over, but
open those eyes, dude! Ever heard of Visine?—but we had to keep running back
and forth to make sure our popcorn was ready and that our cake shaped like the
first published edition of the Areopagitica
didn't burn.
Oooh…it's just about 9 AM. Sing, oh Heav'nly Muse, 'cause we're about to do this!
9:00 AM
Geez, couldn't they get a better first reader than Gavin Alexander? Clear your
throat much, Gav? The start is delayed because Seamus Heaney and his date—is
that Jennifer Aniston?—won't sit down. Have another pint, Seamus!
9:05 AM
Now we're cooking. Way to nail that opening. Someone suggested reading along at
home but, c'mon—the whole point is to have it read to you. You don't see me
sewing during Project
Runway, do you?
10:00 AM
An hour in, and new reader Helen Cooper is hitting up Book II. Is the pressure
getting to her? She pronounced "Beelzebub" two different ways—first
as "Be-EL-ze-BUB" and then as "Beezle-bub." Don't think
that's going to go overlooked. I saw Salman Rushdie shift uncomfortably in his
seat. Of course, it could have been because someone sat him directly behind
former girlfriend (and Top
Chef host!) Padma Lakshmi. Ouch.
11:00 AM
Dammit! I should have made something with apples! All of these Fruit of
Knowledge references and I don't have a single thing made with apples. Mental
note for the 500th anniversary.
11:40 AM
Dude! "O for that warning voice, which he who saw/The APOCALYPSE, heard
cry in Heaven aloud/Then when the Dragon, put to second rout/Came furious down
to be reveng'd on men/WOE TO THE INHABITANTS ON EARTH!" That is how you
wake up a crowd, people! Eric Griffiths nailed it. Did he just throw up a devil
horn? Nice. Next time they do this, they totally need to fire off some
pyrotechnics behind him. Shit would be off the hook.
1:00 PM
Fred Parker and his voice actors are hitting the stage—know what that means?
Bathroom break! Everyone knows Book V is just filler anyway. It's like the
fourth season of The
Sopranos. Milton kind of phoned this one in. But he rebounds.
2:00 PM
I totally forgot I had to drive my brother back to Hartford this afternoon. I
guess we'd better hit the road.
6:00 PM
…juuuuust caught the tail end of Book
X. Wow, is it me, or have a lot of people left the auditorium? How could they?
Book X is when all the shit goes down. Judging by the look on the face of Jack
Nicholson (how does he get front row for everything?)
they tried to pad it with some dance numbers. Figures.
7:00 PM
Book XI is a’ight…but maybe I can sneak in a quick round of Halo 3.
8:55 PM
Crap! Save. Open tray. Switch TV input—and, we're back! The grand finale! Wow,
they skimped a bit on those Satan costumes, huh? Doesn't matter. There isn't a
dry eye in the house.
9:00 PM
Some random fan got through the barricades with a banner that says "I'd
Blank His Virtue! Milton Rulz!" Nice. Security is working him over,
though, much to the amusement of Clive Wilmer. I can't believe it's all over.
Viggo Mortensen is holding up a lighter, hoping they'll do Paradise Regained as an
encore. Maybe next year, buddy.
