In honor of the Muppets’ return to the big screen, we bicker with cranky balcony stalwarts Statler and Waldorf.
You had a show where you reviewed movies, Statler & Waldorf: From the Balcony. How would you review The Muppets?
STATLER: It’s like no movie you’ve ever seen before.
WALDORF: And if you’re lucky, it’ll be like no movie you ever see again.
This is your seventh major movie. Will you finally get top billing?
STATLER: We don’t want top billing.
WALDORF: In fact, we’d be happy with no billing at all.
STATLER: Yeah, especially from our doctor’s office!
What do you think of costars Jason Segel and Amy Adams?
WALDORF: Jason Segel is a very funny performer.
STATLER: That’s why we can’t figure out what he’s doing in this movie.
WALDORF: As for Amy Adams, let’s just say I’m in love with her.
STATLER: You can’t be in love with her—I’m in love with her.
WALDORF: You! You’re old enough to be her grandfather.
STATLER: You’re old enough to be my grandfather.
What’s your favorite heckle?
STATLER: Here’s a classic: “Hey, that wasn’t half bad!”
WALDORF: “You’re right! It was all bad!” And who can forget this gem: “There’s nothing like a good joke.”
STATLER: “Yeah, and that was nothing like a good joke.”
What’s your favorite thing about Maxim?
STATLER: The women.
WALDORF: Y’mean there’s other stuff in Maxim?
STATLER: Not that I’ve ever noticed.
Could Miss Piggy be on Maxim’s cover?
WALDORF: Not unless it was a multipanel foldout.
STATLER: Piggy on the cover would hurt newsstand sales.
WALDORF: And probably break the newsstand.
What are young men lacking that men your age have?
WALDORF: Lower back pain.
STATLER: The ability to get up seven times in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
What’s your drink of choice?
WALDORF: A prunetini.
STATLER: I’ll have what he’s having.
How do you want to be remembered?
STATLER: As someone who cared deeply about people.
WALDORF: That sounds nothing like you.
STATLER: Yeah, but once I'm gone, who's gonna know the difference?
WALDORF: I'll have what he's having.
What have you learned about each other after sitting together for 36 years?
WALDORF: He’s the tall one.
STATLER: And he’s the one with the mustache.
The Muppets hits theaters November 23.