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Maxim’s Public Apologies

If it’s good enough for Kristen Stewart, it’s good enough for us.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart just released a public apology for cheating on her boyfriend, fellow Twilight star Robert Pattison. Is that – is that a thing we’re doing now? Issuing public apologies for private indiscretions? Should we tweet that we’re sorry every time we clog up the office toilet? Apparently, yes. Here’s what the staff of Maxim wants to get off their collective chests:

 

“I'd like to apologize to my elderly 10th grade biology teacher for gift-wrapping an enema and placing it on her desk before class, with a card that read ‘Because you're so full of shit.’ In retrospect, I guess that wasn't very nice.”

Christian Smith, Research Chief, Maxim

 

"I want to apologize to my five-year-old son Gus. I ate the last Oreo while you were sleeping. I'm sorry for any hurt this may have caused my wife, whom I blamed."

Dan Bova, Editor-in-Chief, Maxim

 

“I want to apologize to my mother for lying to her. I wasn’t sleepwalking when I pissed all over the bathroom, I was blackout drunk. I'm sorry for any distress the cleanup process caused you.”

Christopher Burns, intern, Maxim.com

 

"I would like to apologize to my friend Jim, for blaming a fart on him in high school that was so bad, the teacher had to clear the classroom."

Nick Leftley, Senior Content Editor, Maxim

 

“I would like to apologize to my best friend's little sister Allison Adkins, for telling her that when she turned 12 she would grow a penis and have to pee standing up.”

Stacey Pittman, Associate Photo Editor, Maxim

 

“I’m sorry I still have a box of Girl Scout cookies hidden at my desk I haven’t told anyone about because I don’t want to share.”

Heather Albano, Managing Editor, Maxim.com

 

“I would like to apologize to all of the girls I lied to about being in the Navy while I was in Japan. It’s your fault for believing me.”

Charles Guy, intern, Maxim

 

“I would like to apologize to my younger brother for telling him that he was ‘really pulling off that bandana’ when, in fact, he looked extremely idiotic.”

Kristin Hunt, Assistant Editor, Maxim.com

 

“I want to apologize to my girlfriend for ‘forgetting’ to DVR last week's marathon of Say Yes to the Dress."

Patrick Carone, Entertainment Director, Maxim

 

“I'd like to apologize to my to friend Teresa. I was the one who put the gum in your hair when you passed out at our Senior Skip Day party in high school. To be fair, you were a real bitch that year.”

Stephanie Radvan, Associate Editor, Maxim

 

“I'd like to apologize to my deceased grandfather for losing his collection of silver quarters in a poker game when I was 12. I meant to confess, but then you died when I was 13.”

Ken Gee, Copy Chief, Maxim

 

“I'm sorry for the time I was seven and called my sister a slut when she stole my Barbie, because I heard Jim Carey say it in Liar Lair, not because I knew what it meant.”

Nicole Quirk, intern, Maxim

 

"I'm sorry mom, for burning a hole in the drivers seat of your new car the week that you got it. I'm sorry dad, for letting you and your cigs take the rap for it. It was those damn seeds!”

Cory Davis, Photo Editor, Maxim.com

 

"I would like to apologize to my roommate for putting dead roaches all over her dirty cups and plates she leaves around the apartment, making her think its her fault that we have them, when really I was just trying to get her to clean them up without nagging her."

Stephanie Pope, intern, Maxim

 

“I'd like to apologize to my best friend from elementary school, Zach. That time when you accused me of stealing five hundred from the bank while you were in the bathroom, and I completely denied it? You were right. I did that.”

Eric Dobesh, intern, Maxim

 

“We’d like to apologize to Eric the intern. Though we assume your above comment refers to Monopoly money, we still called the cops because it’s the only way an intern will learn good, clear communication skills.”

Dan Bergstein, Senior Editor, Maxim.com

 

“I’m sorry I like my dog better than my cat, but I’m not really sorry.”

Bailey Swilley, Editorial Assistant, Maxim.com