Best Criminal Training Ground
Grand Theft Auto IV
Apologies to a certain Dr. Jones from Indiana, but the next release in the wildly popular GTA series just might be the biggest blockbuster gaming sequel of 2008. Technically, this is the sixth installment of the cars-and-robbers-and-hookers franchise that’s left anindelible skidmark on pop culture (selling 65 million copies and making it into a Chappelle’s Show skit), and calling the game “hotly anticipated” would be an Escalade-size understatement. When the release date was pushed from this past October to early spring, even mighty Sony winced, having counted on the anticipated game to propel Christmas sales of its PlayStation 3 console.
Insiders who have played GTA IV stress that it takes full, retina-popping advantage of the capabilities of the next-gen systems. Our new antihero is Niko Bellic, an Eastern European killer, human trafficker, and all around hardboiled gangster. Reinforcing the idea that games have stepped out from Hollywood’s shadow, this is the first GTA that doesn’t borrow from movies such as Scarface or Menace II Society. Instead, it’s an original, cinematic tale about a guy who has just arrived in an urbanscape that looks an awful lot like the boroughs of New York City (minus Staten Island, of course) to start a new life in the Western world. Fortunately for Rated M–loving gamers, his new life involves using the spacious, body-size trunk of his car for various different missions.
Rockstar’s stated goal is to redefine the genre they defined with Grand Theft Auto III. And as the old saying goes, you can’t redefine a genre without breaking a few heads. And maybe a few sales records along the way.
—Patrick Carone
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Next Hot Jessica
The Guess Girl
As the new, 2008 face (and body) of Guess, Jessica Hart is set to cross over into the elite sorority of supermodels. The lava-hot Aussie import follows on the stilettos of Claudia Schiffer, Adriana Lima, and Alessandra Ambrosio, who all became household lust objects after starring in the brand’s ads. The beguiling blonde is also steaming up ads for Esprit and lingerie label Triumph. Finally, a Hart attack we can look forward to.
—Chris Wilson
Best Up In Smoke Redux
Pineapple Express
Seth Rogen takes us behind the scenes of next summer’s action-buddy-stoner comedy.
The buzz on this is extreme. You wrote and Starred: Just what is Pineapple Express?
A special, rare kind of weed. The movie is about a process server named Dale who likes to get high. One night he sees a cop and a drug kingpin kill somebody. He freaks out, throws his bud out the car window and drives off. The bad guys track the Pineapple Express to a drug dealer, so Dale and the drug dealer spend the rest of the movie running. It’s an action-comedy/buddy-weed story.
Have any good stories to share from your years of “research”?
There are so many. Smoking out of the fishbowl in Knocked Up is based on something we used to do back in high school. If you look really closely on the Knocked Up DVD, there’s an actual photo of me at 14 years old smoking weed with a bowl on my head.
Did your parents ever bust you?
The last day of eighth grade, they caught me with an ounce of mushrooms. I got in trouble, but it was kind of good, because when they’d catch me with weed, they wouldn’t get mad. They were like, “Fuck it, it’s not mushrooms.”
Judd Apatow hatched the idea for this movie in 2000. What took so long?
We had to wait until our filth came into popularity again. They used to make fun, R-rated action comedies in the ’80s, like Die Hard or Stake Out, but for some reason they stopped.
Are you prepared for the angry parents of kids who sneak into this movie?
I am ready, although I feel like not many will look at our characters and say, “I want to be like those guys.” We’re not glorifying weed, though weed is smoked in almost every scene.
Do you have a favorite marijuana term?
“Sweet Cheeba” is good, from Tone Loc’s song “Cheeba Cheeba.” Our director calls weed the “Devil’s Lettuce.” I think it’s gonna catch on.
If you had your own brand of weed, what would it be called?
Seth Skunk.
Best Rebound
USA Hoops
“We’re all superstars on our individual teams,” says Phoenix Suns center and USA Basketball player Amaré Stoudemire. “But we’ve been committed to this thing for three years, so we’ve definitely learned how to actually play as a team.”
And just what could make Stoudemire, Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and other NBA megastars on the USA 2008 roster actually learn to actually pass the ball? Oh, yeah, memories of 2004, when the slapped-together Dream Team’s shellacking from fundamentals-strong Argentina resulted in an embarrassing bronze-medal performance. Thus mortified, it’s been back to school for the American pros as they go for the gold. “To collaborate, we have to step back,” says Stoudemire. “This is the group. We’re totally prepared this time.”
Stoudemire even has the competition already scouted for next summer: “Argentina and Greece are good, but watch out for China...They might surprise people.” Here’s hoping the Dream Team surprises us, too—in a good way.
—Jeff Foss
Most Poignant ObituaryThe TV Antenna
The TV Antenna, 81, died across America, as superstores ceased selling analog sets in favor of all-digital sets.
The TV Antenna was sired by German physicist Heinrich Rudolph Hertz, whose pioneering work in the field of dipole (rabbit ear) antennas paved the way for modern radio and TV broadcasting. When television’s popularity soared after World War II, the Antenna worked to beam Leave It to Beaver, My Three Sons, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, and other shows not featuring black people into American living rooms. Never perfect, the Antenna’s unreliability peaked during crucial postseason sporting events.
For parents who didn’t wear belts, the Antenna also doubled as a childhood disciplinary tool. The Antenna received its death sentence when Vice President Dick Cheney cut short a trip to cast the deciding vote over a Senate spending bill in December 2005. The move was a way to free up radio frequencies to be auctioned off for future broadband use. In its redundancy, the TV Antenna is survived by the VCR, land lines, and the fax machine.
—Sam Barclay
Eye for Eye Tunes
After the Kanye vs. 50 Cent feud/gimmick, 2008 will be the year of the artist face-off.
Shania Twain vs. Eminem
Shania Twain: Though Canadian, the best-selling female country singer of all time was the first country video vixen.
Eminem: Despite being Caucasian, he could rap an expletive-filled casserole recipe and go both shirtless and multiplatinum.
Settled by: Whose new videos will be banned in more Muslim countries?
Stakes: If Shania loses, lap dances for D12. If Em loses, he sings “Man! I Feel Like a Woman.”
Matisyahu vs. The Streets
Matisyahu: Oy, vey, it’s a Jewish dude with a shaggy beard who sings reggae and doesn’t really suck!
The Streets: Oi, it’s an English dude with a funny accent who likes to rap and doesn’t really suck!
Settled by: Which disc’s Pitchfork Media review will say “transcendent and sound-shifting”?
Stakes: Loser’s next tour consists solely of gigs playing square dances in the Midwest.
Cher vs. Madonna
Cher: The 61-year-old pop icon-actress, known for marrying Sonny Bono and wearing scandalous costumes, returns.
Madonna: The49-year-old pop chameleon-actress, known for boning everybody, hits the dance floor.
Settled by: Who will inspire more drag-impersonator “tributes”?
Stakes: Loser has to quit the music biz. Really, you must retire. This is nonnegotiable.
Ultimate Overcompensation2008 Lamborghini Reventon
The mere 20 Reventons that will be lovingly hand-built in Sant’Agata Bolognese, Italy, have all been purchased—at $1.4 million a pop—before even coming off the line. Here’s what you’re missing.
By Lamborghini tradition, the car is named for a famous fighting bull. Reventon was a mauler that killed a toreador in 1943.
Carbon fins attached to aluminum wheel spokes create the effect of spinning jet turbines when moving.
G-Force-Meter tells drivers just how close they’re coming to the Danger Zone as the car carves through S-turns.
Even the gas cap, milled from a solid block of aluminum, is a work of art. And far more functional than an old rag.
The midmounted V-12 engine produces 650 hp at 8,000 rpm. What’s this mean? It has a top speed of 211 mph and goes 0–62 mph in 3.4 seconds. And since it’s on display under a ventilated glass laminate cover, the engine also drops jaws when you park in the 7-Eleven lot.
Heaviest MetalIron Man
Just how did America react to its first glimpse of Robert Downey Jr. going superhero in Iron Man? Ask director, Jon Favreau: “The conversation in the general public has gone from, ‘Is it a movie about that triathlon?’ to, ‘My God, I just saw the trailer for Iron Man! When is the movie coming out?’” (It debuts May 2, actually.)
Credit Downey’s offbeat portrayal of man-in-a-can Tony Stark, who, in the Marvel comic book, is a prodigy, a playboy, a titan of industry, and an alcoholic—all at the same time. Any of that sound familiar? “Robert is a guy who has had a lot of ups and downs in his life,” says Favreau, who considered casting an unknown in the role. “He brings an experience to the character that you wouldn’t find with someone discovered waiting tables at a Stuckey’s.”
Indeed, one might suspect the studio would desire a bigger star than Downey, given Iron Man’s status as a second-tier superhero who never cracked the public consciousness like Spider-Man. But judging from the trailer, rock ’em, sock ’em action may be the real draw for the audience. “The fan reaction is usually unfettered enthusiasm followed by a threat,” says Favreau. “They say, ‘This looks fantastic. Now don’t screw it up.’”
—Adam Winer
Conan O'Brien
Conan will replace Leno as The Tonight Show host in 2009. Making 2008 the year to watch Conan in all his postmidnight, scorched-earth, nobody-is-watching-anyway glory.
Now that Maxim predicts you’ll be one of the best things about 2008, how do you plan to keep from crumbling under the pressure?
I plan to not only crumble under the pressure, but liquefy. As winter sets in, I’ll harden into a reddish gel that will then be injected into the lips of Lisa Rinna.
Any plans for new characters?
New characters are always a gamble. For every Triumph the Insult Comic Dog or Horny Manatee there are countless failures like the FedEx Pope and Clausty the claustrophobic coffee mug.
What celebrity do you pray does not wind up on your couch?
Angela Landsbury—her foulmouthed tirades against the Swedes have no place on television.
If your last year of late night were a fruit, what would it be and why?
A pomegranate—it’s messy and unpleasant, but provides essential antioxidants.
Any crimes you’ll commit this year?
I want to rob every casino in Las Vegas with my impossibly handsome friends.
What are your predictions for 2008?
The icecaps will melt, the seas will rise, the continents will collide and merge into one. And my interview with Tony Shalhoub will create modest buzz on YouTube.
Priciest High
Space, The Afternoon Frontier
Why feed the hungry when you can blow $200,000 on a two-and-a-half-hour instellar vacation? Thanks to Virgin Galactic, the überrich will be turning their noses up higher, as the first commercial test flights launch from the Mojave Spaceport in California during 2008. Don’t expect a full-throttle rocket blast-off.
“The vertical launch was only adopted by the U.S. to reach the moon,” says Will Whitehorn, president of Virgin Galactic.
Instead, a jet carrier will piggyback the Jetsons-esque SpaceShip Two 50,000 feet up, then launch it to an altitude of more than 68 miles. Soon thick-walleted adventure seekers such as Superman Returns director Bryan Singer will be taken for a ride.
After reaching sub-orbital altitude, passengers can tumble around in zero gravity—then return to the Spaceport to receive their wings and an incredibly expensive superiority complex.
—Catrinel Bartolomeu
Coolest Passport StampSlovakia!
Going to Europe? Fortunately, there’s one place with castles, brews, and gorgeous women where the dollar is still king. OK, two if you count Medieval Times, but Slovakia is the travel destination of 2008.
Check out the capital, Bratislava, where models-to-be practice their sexily fractured English on you. Why now? On January 1, 2009, Slovakia is going to dump its koruna currency for the Euro. After that, other European Union tourists are going to overrun the country. So go now and go big.
—S.B.
The Northwest Passage Battle
Poodle-size mosquitoes and Oklahoma beachfront property aren’t the only benefits of global warming. Even as you read this, Arctic pack ice is melting in the Northwest Passage, making the direct sea shipping route from Europe to Asia a cash cow for the country that controls it. And the formerly inhospitable Passage also contains enormous oil and gas deposits. In other words, prepare for some high-stakes international flag-planting.
Canada has a strong claim, since the Passage runs along the country’s northern coast. But the United States and the European Union will argue that the Passage is actually in international waters, eh? The Russkies are bullish on sub-zero wastelands, having planted a flag on the seabed under the North Pole. Its in-no-way-biased scientists contend that the 1,220-mile underwater Lomonosov Ridge conveniently links Siberia with the North Pole.
Maybe all parties will realize that cooperation has advantages. Or perhaps next season’s episodes of Deadliest Catch will be filmed on battleships. Stay tuned.
—S.B.
Smartest Lane ChangeDale Jr. Revs Up
In the ego-fueled world of NASCAR, Dale Earnhardt Jr. already has the most recognizable name, the hottest groupies, and so many endorsement patches that he may need to start wearing a cape.
The only thing missing? Recent big wins in the No. 8 Budweiser car owned by his stepmother. Though Jr. regularly finishes in the top 10, he hasn’t cruised victory lane since way back in May 2006. That should change come February 2008, when Little E switches teams, sponsors, and numbers to join Hendrick Motorsports. Three of the team’s four drivers zoomed into the championship Chase for the Nextel Cup.
With a Hendrick engine in new No. 88 National Guard and Mountain Dew Chevy, Earnhardt will be primed to deliver wins to Junior Nation. The only thing die-hard fans will lose? A convenient excuse for why they constantly chug Budweiser.
—S.B.
Riskiest Olympics
The Great Weird of China
China hopes the 2008 Beijing Olympics signify its efforts to join the modern world. But if American athletes venture too far past their hermetically sealed compound, they risk encountering more than toxic toys. Alternative events they should prepare for:
Freestyle Grave Robbing
The black market for female corpses is resurgent in China. Recently deceased or “wet” women fetch up to $5,300 from parents who don’t want their dead sons to be bachelors in the afterlife. Earlier this year, a grave robber confessed to murdering six women. Killing, he told police, was much easier than digging bodies out of the ground.
400-Meter Rat Sprint
Flooding along the Yangtze has flushed a few rats out of their holes—two billion to be exact. Farmers are using shovels and poison to fight the crop-eating hordes, a boon for Beijing restaurants that list rat meat on their menus. After all, 2008 is also the Year of the Rat.
Pommel Dog
Rabies killed 2,545 Chinese in 2005—bad news for dogs, frothing at the mouth or not. Officials in Yunnan Province took the fight to the pooches, killing 54,429 pets and strays. Dogs being walked by their owners were clubbed to death by vigilantes. In the town of Xiajiashan, citizens lined up to comply with orders to hang their dogs in public.
Lethal Injection Marathon
While America’s courts wrestle with lethal injection, China has put it on wheels. At least 40 “Death Cars”—vans that bringmobile lethal injection to remote communities—help China build on its 2006 world-record execution tally of 1,010.
—S.B.
Unlikeliest TV Savior
David Simon
David Simon is Hollywood’s most exciting writer because he doesn’t live in Hollywood. He lives in Baltimore, which is like Hollywood except with much poorer drug addicts. Baltimore is where he set HBO’s drama The Wire—TV’s best cop show that isn’t really a cop show.
When The Wire’s final season premieres in January, Simon will wrap up a uniquely realistic study of cops and robbers. What began as a tale of detectives and drug dealers has widened to include politicians, schools, and, in this full-circle finale, reporters. “The show is realistic because we’re not interested in making it television entertainment,” Simon says. “We’re not from the industry. And I think that’s what it feels like: It feels like someone other than Hollywood got their chance to speak to what the world might actually be like.”
Simon gets an even higher-profile chance in the fall of 2008 with Generation Kill, a sure-to-be-controversial adaptation of the bestseller about marines in Iraq. As expected, Simon’s adaptation won’t be the typical Hollywood explosion porn. “It’s a character study of young men at war,” Simon says. “We’re not blowing crap up to blow it up. We’re blowing crap up because those were the events of the day.”
—Adam Winer