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Mayan Apocalypse Panic Grips Russia, Somehow Makes Russia Even Less Pleasant

In Soviet Russia, bomb shelter hides in you.


(Photo: STR / AFP / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012)

This Friday, the world will end. Well, at least according to the teachings of an ancient civilization of people who never discovered the wheel and believed that killing animals on a big stone table would make the big guy(s) upstairs happy and the crops growing. Needless to say, we aren’t taking their prediction terribly seriously (although, we’ll be drinking like there’s no tomorrow).

Meanwhile, in Russia, where common sense always prevails, Mayan Apocalypse panic is in full swing. Russian citizens are buying up all of the candles, matches, and salt. Yes, salt. Well, how else are you going to season your people-meat once it’s cannibal time?

But do not fear! Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov, best known for brutally seizing power, exploitation, human rights violations, and – of course – his boyish good looks, is committed to restoring order. He posted on his official website last week: "People are buying candles saying the end of the world is coming. Does no one realize that once the end of the world comes, candles won't help them?"

Good call, hoss. You heard your fearless leader, Ruskies, time to start buying crossbows.

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