We’re guessing that, in his head, his entire life is one giant series of explosions.
It was reported today that Michael Bay was attacked on the set of the fourth Transformers movie in Hong Kong. The police account stated that two brothers demanded $13,000 from Bay, and assaulted him and three police officers when he refused, resulting in Bay receiving a minor injury to the face. Bay’s version, however, is a little different. According to his own website, a local attempted to smack Bay in the face with an air conditioning unit, which Bay knocked out of his hand before grappling with the man, who then turned out to have “zombie strength” and proceeded to take on seven armored security guards. No, seriously.
Now, we’re going to give Bay credit where it’s due and say that he’s exaggerating for comic effect. But going by his movies, we’re pretty sure that this is actually how events unfold inside his head, with each mundane action lit up by a whirling series of slow-mo, big lips, and pyrotechnics. Here’s how we think the script for his morning routine might go.
Photo: Paramount / Courtesy Everett Collection |Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
SCENE 1 -INT. MICHAEL’S BEDROOM
The Philips AJ3600 Time Projection alarm clock on the nightstand begins to beep. A hand emerges from under the covers to hit the snooze button, but accidentally hits the giant red “DETONATOR” button instead. Immediately, the closet explodes from 17 different angles. We see the bed, with the sheets now blown off. Michael is laying there next to a SUPER HOT MODEL, like, crazy hot, easily a 10. She shrugs and goes back to sleep.
I guess that’s one way to get blown in the morning.
We follow Michael as he gets out of bed and walks down the stairs of his fabulous Hollywood mansion. Halfway down, he slips on a roller skate, and does a perfect triple backflip before landing on his feet in the hallway. The roller skate flies through a window, which explodes. Michael walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge, which has nothing in it but bottles of Diet Pepsi, all with the labels facing outward. He pulls one out and offers it to a girl sitting at the table, a SUPER HOT MODEL, like, unreal hot, like a cartoon, like, holy shit you guys, she is hot. She is eating a banana very slowly, without actually biting or chewing at all.
Did the paper come yet?
The kitchen door suddenly explodes open – it’s THE PAPER BOY. He is seven feet tall, in full ninja gear, and waving nunchucks that are also machine guns. He proceeds to blow up everything in the kitchen.
It’s true what they say – no news is good news!
Michael does a wicked-sweet roundhouse kick and sends the paper boy flying through another door into a pit full of dinosaurs, which begin to devour him.
I’d say print is going to go extinct!
Why would you even have this in your house??
Suddenly, a brand new GM Chevrolet Camaro Sport Coupe screeches up at the doorway – driving it is a girl, a SUPER HOT MODEL, like, holy fucking balls in space, dudes, she is hot all ways to Sunday, even her knees are smoking, you just would not believe how hot this chick is, it’s ridiculous, yo. Anyway, she gets out and throws the car keys on the kitchen table, which explodes.
SCENE 2 – INT. GIANT MILITARY BASE, FOR NO APPARENT REASON
[Editor’s note: This actually went on for 122 more pages. For the sake of your sanity, we cut it off here.]