Emma Crawford Coffin Festival
Where: Manitou Springs, CO
When: October 23–24
What: Celebrate Emma Crawford (died more than a century ago) with a parade of hearses and a coffin race.
Beanfest and Outhouse Races
Where: Mountain View, AR
When: October 29–31
What: A bean cookoff followed by a race of decorated outhouses pushed by people in costumes. It’s a total gas! And that, good people, is grade-A pun work. You’re welcome.
Pornotopia
Where: Albuquerque, NM
When: November 6–8
What: A filmfest that “celebrates those who aren’t afraid to keep it real when mainstream porn fails to satisfy.” Translation: People recite spoken word while taking it anywhere but in the vagina.
5,000-egg giant Omelette Celebration
Where: Abbeville, LA
When: November 7–8
What: An egg-cracking competition, a red-hot performance by the Tabasco Girls Dance Team, and a 12-foot, 5,000-egg omelet, free! Salmonella, anyone?