We need therapy just from writing that headline.
Photo: Richard Corbett Photography / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Erotic Zoos are apparently on the rise, which is weird, because until now we had no idea they even existed (and you can't prove otherwise). However, now our innocent virgin eyes have been exposed to this atrocity - which is on the rise overseas (THE HORROR!) - we can’t seem to look away. Secretive and incredibly creepy, these institutions allow members to screw sheep and fondle pretty much any living four-legged creature that lives in a pen or barn. The rapid rise of bestiality in Germany has even caused the country to ban the act entirely, after it was initially legalized in 1969 (humans were only held legally accountable if they caused serious injury to the animal during their "romp").
Just the fact that it was ever formally legalized is pretty fucking disturbing to us. And because we don't like to be disturbed by ourselves, we’ll leave you with this extremely disturbing excerpt from Malcolm Brenner’s memoir about his sensuous relationship with a dolphin. If you can get through it without losing your lunch, you should probably consider joining a zoophilia group and moving to Europe. For best results, read while listening to the audio from this:
"She rolled in my arms, bringing her head up and pushing us farther out, so my feet came off the bottom. A second later, I felt her genital slit pressing the waffled soles of my sneakers. But her efforts seemed half-hearted compared to her usual flagrance, as if she found the audience inhibiting.
Cut that out! I thought.
Ruby was gentle and circumspect, but she wouldn't stop. She stared blankly, pretending she couldn't receive me, trying to convince me that human-dolphin telepathy was a stupid fantasy I'd dreamed up while getting stoned one night.
If I had been an observer instead of a participant, trying to stop a horny dolphin from rubbing off on my shoes while my girlfriend watched, I would have burst out laughing. On the shore was Elaine, who professed to like me but wasn't about to let me so much as cop a feel, while out here was Ruby, who would happily screw my brains out but happened to be the wrong species.
There was only one way to get her into the shallows. Feeling idiotic, I frog-kicked and paddled with my free arm, slowly moving us landward. Ruby didn't bat a flipper to help -- or resist. It was weird."
Yeah - that was weird. Okay.
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