Dalliances with teens and bimbos, allegations of cruising public restrooms, murder, and worse... Politicians: They're just like us!
Gary Hart- Were it not for his dalliance on the Monkey Business yacht with unrepentant tart Donna Rice, Hart probably would've snared the 1988 Democratic presidential nomination instead of unelectable Massachusetts dwarf Michael Dukakis. On the plus side, one-liners about Hart and his Monkey Business monkey business extended the life of A&E's heh-heh-hilarious An Evening at the Improv by about six years. Call it a wash.
Strom Thurmond- All you really need to know about the way Señor Segregation comported himself in his off hours: His nickname on the Hill was "Sperm" Thurmond. That he fathered a half-black illegitimate child at the age of 22, some 20 years before uttering the sweet nothing, "There's not enough troops in the army to force the southern people to break down segregation and admit the Negro race into our theaters, into our swimming pools, into our homes, and into our churches," belongs in the Irony Hall of Fame.
Eliot Spitzer-
Check out the infamous photos of Spitzer's girl.
It's easy to dismiss the New York Governor's involvement in a prostitution ring as a private matter peripheral to his job. But when your job is to bust up prostitution rings, it really plays Plinko with the ol' resumé. Good news for travellers, though: thanks to Client No. 9, rates at the Mayflower hotel in D.C. have never been lower! (We know because we asked. For that matter, room 871 is unavailable for the foreseeable millennium.)
The D.C. Madam- We'll start paying closer attention to MSNBC once she nails one of the preachy Republican hypocrites. You gotta love the fact that Senator David Vitter was so cowed by what might eventually be revealed that he essentially narc'd himself out, uttering some tripe about having "asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling." Ain't love grand?
Larry Craig- We endured a whirlwind New York-to-Seattle-via-Dallas trip over the weekend and found every airport bathroom 100 percent free of nongay senators not propositioning anybody. Not even with coded foot signals under the toilet stalls. Not a one. Take THAT, liberal media.
Catherine the Great- The tabloids didn't make a big deal about this one, probably because there weren't any tabloids back in 1796. One common rumor is that Catherine the Great—"Kitty" to her pals—died when she was crushed beneath a horse that was lowered upon her for, well, you know. Turns out she died in the bathroom. History is boring.
Bill Clinton- Hundreds of years into the future, historians will eye the Monica Lewinsky–Gennifer Flowers–Paula Jones triptych and attempt to draw conclusions about Papa Bill's taste in women. After analyzing thousands of documents, they'll have no more clue than we do now, other than a firm conviction that they shopped at discount stores.
Jim McGreevey- He allegedly cruised for male tail in the restrooms of New Jersey highway rest areas, all the while his wife was home, pregnant, and totally unaware of his leanings. Yet, as charming and romantic as the Cheesequake oasis may be, we can't believe anybody's gaydar can have malfunctioned so massively. In any event, McGreevey's "I am a gay American" speech is a lot more fun if you sing it to the tune of Hulk Hogan's old "I am a real American" ring entrance music.
Clarence Thomas- In the end, we'll never really know what happened between him and Anita Hill. She said that the Supreme Court–justice-to-be tossed off lothario lines about pubic hairs in his Coke and Long Dong Silver (the porn star, not the pirate); he said that he didn't. Tom-AAY-toe, tom-AAH-toe. Suffice it to say that their repartee probably never reached the level of Bogey and Bacall, or even Sean and Madonna.
Gary Condit- Whether or not he killed his intern/lover Chandra Levy may never be known for sure. But his interview with Connie Chung, in which he answered questions about his involvement with Levy by mumbling and making up words ("notfinitely," "deflirtific," etc.), will go down as the most ineffective mea culpa in the history of mass media.
Mark Foley- He's the reason why we now have 18 computer widgets that erase all evidence of every instant message we've ever sent. Not that we have anything to hide, except that sexy charity auction incident with the staff of Ladies' Home Journal. Which never happened. Anyway, an excerpt of the back-and-forth between Foley and an underage congressional page, as obtained by ABC News:
Maf54 (Foley): do you really do it face down
Teen (teen): ya
Maf54 (Foley): kneeling
Teen (teen): well i don't use my hand…i use the bed itself
Maf54 (Foley): where do you unload it
Teen (teen): towel
Maf54 (Foley): really
Maf54 (Foley): completely naked?
Teen (teen): well ya