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Our Five Favorite Grammy Winners

That is, our favorite grammies who’ve won stuff. Go, Grammy!

5. Can you guess who that is overtaking you on the freeway in a shiny, factory-fresh Saturn Sky? That’s right - a lovely old grandma in a mint green sweater! We’d enjoy this video of a little old lady conquering the evil of Plinko more if it wasn’t for the guy behind the camera spontaneously reaching climax while screaming, “Come on Gloria!” Gloria’s had quite enough excitement, thank you.

4. You know who’d be good at firing an ice hockey puck into an ice hockey puck-sized hole from 114 feet out? 59-year old, 5’3” Brenda Hewlett, that’s who. You know who you’re not gonna fuck with while she drives her brand new Ford F-150 truck out of the parking lot? 59-year old, 5’3” old Brenda Hewlett, that’s who.

3. If you’re an elderly British woman, there are only three ways you can feasibly spend your time. (1) Being the Queen. (2) Playing the Queen in a movie called, imaginatively, The Queen (British people really like the word “queen”). (3) Retiring to Spain and becoming a salsa dancer so good that you win over the entire audience of Spain’s Got Talent (also, proving that the title of that show is a misnomer, since they seem to be relying heavily on foreign talent).

2. “Oh, you’re 75 and can still shake your ass? That’s nice,” says Ruth Frith in the completely made-up conversation we’re having in our head right now. “I’m 100-years-old and I just won a gold medal at the World Masters Games. At fucking shot put, bitches!” Er, we stress again that this conversation is entirely fictional. Click here to see more.

1. While it’s certainly impressive for a little old grammy to win a competition, it’s another thing entirely for one to win in a battle against the elemental forces of nature themselves, as 94-year-old Rose Swiszowski did when she saved her entire retirement community from burning to the ground by single-handedly battling the raging inferno. At least, that’s the version the local cable news channel gave in their lead in. So it’s also a win for slow news days!