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Parents Buy 16-Year-Old A Stripper For His Birthday

...and now the cops are involved. But has a crime been committed? We "help" decide!



Photo: Andra Simionescu / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

In the boondocks of upstate New York, a kid was granted the best sweet sixteen of his life: A surprise party involving strippers. Planned by his parents. At...a bowling alley. Huh. Well, that definitely beats out our sweet sixteen, which, in fairness was mostly spent locked in a shed. You’d think the kid's parents would be be awarded the Parents of the Year title, but instead, they may be getting thrown into the slammer for child endangerment. That's right - after a few of the overly excited attendees decided to post their “dude-I-got-a-lap-dance-from-this-chick-what’d-you-do-on-your-Friday-night-LOLOL" pictures on various social media websites, police decided to check out the situation more thoroughly, only to find that the parents exposed about 80 minors to the stripping professionals.

Although it’s still up in the air as to whether or not this awesome matrimonial duo is getting the big house treatment, we wanted to help authorities make a quicker decision by compiling a list of the pros and cons of exposing teenage boys to strippers. Aggravatingly, our accounts department refused to approve the $1,600 expense form we put through after spending 17 hours "researching" this list.

Pros:

1. No longer will guys be awkwardly unprepared for their first encounter with a topless woman. Been there, done that, thanks to Tiffany Star Gold.
2. He will learn the value of a dollar, and that he should never throw anything less at a lady. Especially not change.
3. He'll learn to avoid certain topics of conversation on a first date, like, "How much meth do you have to do to get through a shift?" and "Did daddy used to make you dance like this for him?"
4. He'll learn to control his awkward teenage boners through a Goddamn trial by fire.

Cons:

1. He will assume that all ladies are that flexible, try the wrong move, and put his sexual counterpart in a wheelchair for the rest of her existence.
2. He'll get scared the first time he meets a woman with actual pubic hair.
3. He'll get turned on every time he smells perfume from Walgreens.
4. He will be bound to write a horrible song about his love for a stripper. People will wither in pain and gauge out their ear drums with forks in response.


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