User menu

Main menu

Funny

Plan a Last-Minute Summer Vacation (Without Leaving Your Apartment)

All you need is a little imagination, and a loose interpretation of the word “vacation."

The Indoor Flameless Marshmallow Roaster

Nothing beats sitting 'round a summer campfire, roasting s'mores off of tick-infested branches, telling ghost stories, watching the plumes of smoke billow through a forest of dry leaves, as you try not to fixate on the smell of burning flesh and the near-certainty of an impending bear attack... Oh, were your summer campfires not like that? Well, whatever your special memories may be, revisit them from the comfort of your shitty apartment  cozy urban oasis with Hammacher Schlemmer's flameless indoor marshmallow roaster. It uses a stainless steel electric heater to toast your 'mallows to a golden brown hue, without the risk of fire (or bear attacks). A built-in tray holds your graham crackers, chocolate, and the mountain of Zoloft you'll need to cope with the eventual realization that you are making s'mores on the floor of your studio apartment. Just kidding! This thing is awesome and convenient and you should buy one.

 

Glow in the Dark Stars


Photo: Coldspire/Flickr.com 


Since you are from the city, please allow us to introduce you to a wild galactic phenomenon known as "stars." Wikipedia defines a star as "a massive, luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity" - much like your fat uncle Carl. But unlike Uncle Carl, stars aren't lazy or mean after too much whiskey. They are twinkling, sparkling delights that make summer nights outside the city worth living for. But while you will probably never see a star in real life, you can always go buy a bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars and stick those bad boys on your ceiling to recreate the experience of what hillbillies call "stargazing." This is almost practically the same thing, except, you know, not at all. Enjoy!
 

Rooftop Kiddie Pool


Photo: MASSIVE/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013


When you live in a major metropolitan area, your choice of swimming holes is limited to two basic options: public cesspool, or private rooftop hotel pool - and chances are only one of those two options is actually available to you (and it ain't Soho House). But all hope is not lost, because: kiddie pools! Sure, you're not technically "allowed" on your building's unfinished, tar-covered roof, but as soon as you step into that icy hose-water wading pool, getting evicted will be the last thing on your mind. Mostly because you'll be wondering if they'll be able to save that foot.


Fill Your Apartment with Sand


Photo: Jami Tarris/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

You know the old saying, “If you can’t make it to the beach, bring the beach to you”? No? You don’t. Well we’re pretty sure that’s a thing. It is definitely a thing. The point is, one way to replicate the feeling of a sweltering summer beach day when you’re stuck in the city is to haul a shit-ton of sand up to your fifth floor walk-up, dump it all over the floor – so it really gets into all the nooks and crannies – turn off the air conditioning, close all the windows, and lay down under a spotlight until you can take it no more. (You’ll know you’ve reached that point when you are begging your cat, Mr. Ticklepants, to bring you a bottle of water and, barring that, a loaded shotgun.)


Bathtub Snorkeling

Photo: Thomas Vogel/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

When all else fails, remember there are all kinds of watersports you can do in your bathtub—and not all of them involve a girl peeing on you. Oh wait, yeah, they mostly do. Sorry dude.


Also on Maxim.com:

2013 Back to School Gift Guide

5 Fictional Summer Camps That Should Fire Their Counselors

 

Around the Web