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Predicting Your Night By Your Costume

You might not know what you’re doing on Halloween night, but we do.

Halloween may be erratic, but we wouldn’t call it unpredictable. We may not be particularly apt at reading tea leaves or looking into a crystal ball, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t tell where your presumably stinkin’ drunk ass is going to land at night’s end. Use this as your guide and just remember: The walk of shame is so much more shameful in a lobster costume.  

Baseball player

You’re going to be totally irresistible in your big league duds, huh? Well, sorry. Swami says you’ll be striking out. Tell the White Castle crew we said hi.

Police officer

You should have been wary of the false sense of power that comes with a pair of flimsy handcuffs and a hollow plastic Billy club. Hope you enjoy the irony of spending the night in jail for impersonating an officer (in the most humiliating way possible).

Binders full of women/ Face-Eating Guy / Space Jumper Felix Baumgartner

You’ve got sky-high expectations for the topical and clever costume that you “just threw together,” but you’ll be walking home sober and dejected after your first beer when the eighth person asks you what you are supposed to be.


Halloween is a night of excess, and someone in your vicinity will unsurprisingly push it to the limit. The crowd, in the panic forgetting that it is Halloween, will push the only doctor in sight to their aid - you. But worry not – you will not panic - you will use the swagger and disposition of a young Clooney and the skills you learned in your teens watching Rescue 911. A life will be spared and you will be awarded an honorary doctorate for your efforts - setting up a successful practice while raising a family with your beautiful and perpetually 26-year-old wife.

Just kidding, you’re just going to vomit on your lab coat and fall asleep on your front doorstep.

For some scary Halloween stats, go here.
For some sexy Halloween sweethearts, go here.