Jurassic World is coming in 2015 - which side will you be on?
After over a decade of trying to get this thing made, we're finally getting a fourth installment in the dinosaurs-eat-people-because-lol series, called Jurassic World. Executive produced by Steven Spielberg, it's being directed by Safety Not Guaranteed director Colin Trevorrow, and written by Trevorrow and Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes scribes Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver. The new movie's announcement will inevitably cause an upsurge in human-on-dinosaur violence, particularly in areas where relations between the two species are already strained (Isla Sorna, for example, or the South). To avoid any unnecessary confrontations, it’s worth checking into whether you are, in fact, a dinosaur. Because otherwise, how will you know who you're supposed to be fighting?
Are you a dinosaur?
a) No. I am not a dinosaur. This quiz is stupid.
b) Like, maybe? I sometimes feel kind of dinosaur-ish. Like, stompy and stuff.
c) Totes! I am 100% pure dinosaur. Raaow! I’m going to eat a whole goat now. With my mouth!
Are you sure about that? How are the people around you reacting to you?
a) They are ignoring me, because I am not a dinosaur.
b) They look suspicious! Like maybe they think I’m just the distraction, and the rest of my pack is waiting to ambush them. Or it could be because I’m saying these words aloud as I type them.
c) They are fleeing in terror from my mighty dinosaur wrath! And my even mightier pile of giant dinosaur poop!
Let’s get into some more detail here. What did you eat for breakfast?
a) Some toast and a fried egg. Which I was able to prepare for myself, because I am not a dinosaur. Did I mention that this quiz is stupid? Because it really is.
b) Dinosaur food! Like, tons of…of, you know, dinosaur food. Food…for dinosaurs.
c) Several tons of rotten flesh I dug from the carcass of a week-dead Stegosaurus! Also, oatmeal.
How do you typically hunt your prey?
a) I go to its natural habitat, where it lies in small, conveniently sized, pre-wrapped chunks in the refrigerated section. I do this because I am not a dinosaur.
b) I trick it into walking into my special dinosaur oven so I can cook it until the juices run clear.
c) I creep up behind it and shout, “Rawww!” and then bite its head and stuff, like, just biting and biting until it’s all, “Yo, don’t bite me anymore, bro,” and I’m like, “Shut up, I’m totally biting you, you’re my dinner, LOL.” And then I gobble it all up and then go watch some football or something.
What’s your dinosaur name?
a) I don’t have a dinosaur name. I don’t have one because – and I really can’t stress this enough – I am not a dinosaur.
b) Tim Spamdexter. Shit! I mean, uh, big…Big O’Saurus? Is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah, that’s probably a thing.
c) I have no need of names, puny human! I live to crush bone and rend flesh! Although my mom sometimes calls me “Dumpling.” My mom who’s a dinosaur!
AND NOW - THE RESULTS!
If you answered mostly A:
You are not a dinosaur.
If you answered mostly B:
Sorry, you are still not a dinosaur. You are possibly an idiot, but you are not a dinosaur.
If you answered mostly C:
Look, you are clearly not actually a dinosaur. If you have answered mostly C you are at best, a shockingly intelligent but nonetheless deluded crocodile, or at worst, a liar, and you should either swallow a live chicken in one gulp or feel bad about yourself, as appropriate.