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Rob Riggle's Voting Guide

The 2008 presidential election has been one of the longest campaigns in U.S. history. For almost two years, we’ve had to listen to candidates, pundits, and cable news networks fill our heads with a nonstop river of bullshit. At this point it’s all become “white noise” (no offense, Senator McCain!). I take my job as a fake journalist seriously, and as a result I’ve uncovered some facts about both candidates that I feel obligated to share. Before I do that, I want to let you know that I am an undecided voter, and that I’m not wearing any pants or underwear right now.

Here’s my dilemma: I like both candidates for different reasons. I like McCain because he’s a maverick; he told Bush to go pound sand over his tax policies, campaign finance reform, interrogation tactics, and the environment. Also, he has a hot, rich wife, which I believe sets an excellent example for our nation’s youth.

Here’s why I like Barack Obama: He inspires people, makes them less cynical about government—he feels like tomorrow. Also, he did a great job dancing on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and he can drain the three from anywhere.

OK, on to the facts. These have been vetted through the Internet and drunk friends, so you can trust them. Vote wisely, America.

FACT: John McCain once told an orphan and his puppy to “Shut the fuck up!”

FACT: Barack Obama’s family reunions look like the cantina scene from Star Wars.

FACT: If elected, McCain’s opening line of his inaugural address will be, “I think I just crapped my pants. What’s everybody laughing at? Ahhh, these damn kids and their rock’n’roll!”

FACT: The president of the United States is allowed to kill hookers.

FACT: FDR killed three by running them over with his wheelchair.

FUN FACT: On Senator Obama’s first day in the Senate, Senator McCain welcomed him with a surprise kick to the balls. Once Barack was on the ground, the rest of the senators lined up and took turns whacking him with a gym sock that had a bar of soap in it. (Exception: Senator Hillary R. Clinton used $50 in pocket change in her sock.)

FACT: The top of Senator Joe Biden’s head can be unscrewed like a jar of peanut butter and contains the same thing.

FACT: Obama intends to surrender Iraq no matter what the consequences, and he is planning to surrender Florida as well.

FACT: McCain once challenged Tom Hanks to a penis-measuring contest. Mr. Hanks accepted the challenge…and won.

FACT: Govenor Sarah Palin once challenged Tom Hanks to a penis-measuring contest. Mr. Hanks accepted the challenge…and lost.

FACT: I’m not exactly certain what “fact” means.