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SeaWorld Rolls Out Shamu Float to Criticism; Here Are 3 Other Offensive Floats That Should Exist

Because if Santa can’t roll over the shattered innocence of children, it isn’t Thanksgiving.


Photo: Flickr.com/ chasedekker

Right smack in the middle of the firestorm that was created by Blackfish—the documentary profiling the death of a trainer at the hands of an orca and SeaWorld’s negligence surrounding it—the park is debuting a new float at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The float depicts orcas and other creatures swimming free in the ocean, which seems like precisely the thing that SeaWorld works against. Activist groups have called for Macy’s to block the float’s inclusion, but the department store has refused, probably because they don’t want to hurt sales of their new line of casualwear: “Blazers for guys who really hate whales.”

We think there should be more opportunity for flagrantly offensive floats in this year’s parade; here are just three ideas to get the creative juices flowing.

We here in Russia are great to our fellow humans! Enjoy the Olympics!
Think of the fun we could have with this; the giant Olympic rings adorning the float, resting comfortably on the necks of migrant workers, activists, and homosexuals. But hey, those mascots are adorable.

Rob Ford for President of Canada...Or President of the World
Everyone’s favorite crack-smoking human wrecking ball needs to start his campaign on the biggest stage possible. And what better way to capture the 6- to 12-year-old demographic than dressing up like a big butterball turkey with bloodshot eyes tossing out candy. Wait, is that candy? Don’t eat that, Timmy.

Dan Snyder is The Pilgrimator
Leveraging a racial slur for the people who we slaughtered and forcibly stole this country from in order to further your multi-million dollar team is one thing, but celebrating it on this stage would be the ultimate flip-off. And for a guy who loves flip-offs, this would be a match made in heaven.

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