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S@#t You Can Only Find In China

Out of everything they make for us, they hoard the really cool stuff for themselves. Selfish bastards.

Living in America, you grow up knowing most things you buy were made in China - if you don't, we suggest you learn how to read - but the sad, conspiratorial truth is that they're keeping the really good stuff from us. Below are the best Made In China products that you can surprisingly only buy in the country.

Wal-Mart Alligators (And Most Products Sold There)


A trip to Wal-Mart is guaranteed to be weird. Between the shoppers, bizarre inventory, and risk of being in the middle of a stampede, you'd think it couldn't get much worse. But when walking down the aisles of a Chinese version of the popular franchise you'll realize that it can definitely get weirder. Stores throughout the country allow shoppers to sort through un-bagged mixed meats, assorted dried reptiles, men's antibacterial underwear, and dead crocodiles, all of which are equally disturbing (but especially that underwear).

Canned Air


Here in America, we tend to take the easy way out thanks to our ever-growing lethargy. Apparently this trait has transcended itself onto China, their infamous Canned Air product proving just that. Rather than taking a step out your front door, or effortlessly cracking a window in order to get some fresh air, for 80 cents a pop you can get some from a can. The idea is credited to Chinese millionaire Chen Guangbiao, a philanthropist trying to capitalize on his country's increasing air pollution problem. Offered in various flavors, including Post-Industiral Taiwan and Pristine Tibet, we can't imagine why this hasn't become a worldwide trend amongst teenage stoners. Either way, we can't find it in ourselves to hate something that was clearly ripped off from Spaceballs.

Crab Vending Machines


In 2010 China officially surpassed us: vending machines featuring live crabs were installed in various subway stations throughout the country. Keeping the crabs chilled at a constant 41 degrees Fahrenheit and only costing $2 per order, you can kiss that shitty generic chex mix you managed to stomach for the last 12-years of your morning commute goodbye. Sounds like the best subway ever, especially considering that the best thing we've ever found in our local subway was a clean-smelling riding companion. Talk about a true gem.

Panda Tea


For a mere $200 you can drink liquefied panda shit (or more delicately put, Panda Tea), an herbal beverage believed to help prevent cancer and weight gain. That’s great and all, but we’re still not shelling out $200 we don’t have just to find out.

Live Turtle Key Chains


Key chains may be a little outdated – unless you’re still sporting that acid-washed JanSport from the 6th grade – but in China, they’re still kicking. Literally. Key chains featuring minute Brazilian turtles and kingfish crammed into water-filled packages are apparently all the rage thanks to the creatures' rumored luck. The package features a nutrient-rich liquid supposedly able to keep the creatures alive for up to three to four months. We plan on buying thousands to set free and add to our animal collection. PETA, you owe us.

Tea Picked By The Mouth of a C-Cup Virgin


The Jiuhua tea plantation in the Henan Province could be considered an unconventional means for making tea in terms of the Western world, however in China – like most unusual products society wouldn't buy – it’s the norm. Tea leaf pickers consist of unscarred, C-cup virgins thanks to an old Chinese legend stating that virgins posess purity and can therefore infuse it into the tea. The best part? They pick the lucky leaves with their mouth, then place it inside a mini-wicker basket nestled within their bosom. We're willing to sacrifice a lot to join this team.

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