This, too, shall pass. But first, things are gonna get really, really weird.
Photo: iStockphoto.com/ Jan-Otto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Try to remember the last time you woke up in the morning and asked yourself, “What if I crap my pants today?” Chances are that question has never even crossed your mind, but that doesn’t mean that the threat of crapping your pants in public isn’t a very real issue that deserves serious attention. Here, one brave survivor’s guide to just that.
"The ideal man bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of circumstances.” - Aristotle
No matter what, never admit to what you’ve done. Remain quiet. Don’t mutter apologies to the people in your immediate vicinity. They’ll be looking for the most guilty-seeming one of the bunch to blame (and then proceed to film with their iPhones), and there’s a good chance that if you play it cool enough they’ll start blaming each other. Straighten your posture and try to appear even more refined than you actually are. As you make your slow escape, walk with an easy, relaxed gait and keep your head up. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you flop onto the ground and start moaning. You’ll not only draw too much unnecessary attention to yourself, but you’ll exacerbate the mess in your pants. Plus, you’ll become a really easy target for amateur videographers, and thus run the risk of finding yourself in a situation like this:
"Life every man holds dear; but the dear man holds honor far more precious dear than life.” – William Shakespeare
Remember that if you are caught crapping your pants in public, you risk bringing great dishonor not only to yourself but to your entire family. This holds especially true if you are caught crapping your pants on camera, for reasons that should be fairly obvious. That said, we highly advise NOT crapping your pants while working as a television news reporter. If, for whatever reason, you fail to heed our advice, remember: play it cool. And, please, for the love of god, DON’T turn your back to the camera. (Editor’s Note: Even the most righteous cameraman will not be able to resist an opportunity to film the next big YouTube sensation, especially if it involves feces.)
“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.” - Voltaire
We’d venture to guess that even Voltaire would have agreed that having faith in the idea that somehow, someway, you will be able to run past tens of thousands of people while saturated in your own feces and not end up the star of a YouTube music video is the biggest mistake you’ll ever make in your life.
“Courage is grace under pressure.” - Ernest Hemingway
How many times have you heard someone say, “There’s no way in hell I’d ever crap my pants in public”? Too many to count, right? Well, in reality, the majority of people are willing to talk the talk, but when the shit hits the fan (or, in this case, the inside of your chinos), few are actually willing to walk the walk (or, in this case, shit on a sidewalk). The best way to handle a crisis is to avoid it altogether. And when faced with an onslaught of explosive diarrhea while in a public place, that means finding a secluded area and crapping in it. (Remember: the way you handle this situation will ultimately define the rest of your life, so now is not the time to get gun shy, amigo.) To make this process easier to understand, we’ve broken it down into six key steps:
Step 1: Briskly evacuate the crowded area.
(**Note: If you are with friends, use this go-to excuse: “Hey guys, I’m really in the mood for ice-cream. I’ll be right back.” No one will questions a spontaneous ice cream run, because, obviously.)
Step 2: Identify a relatively isolated space. This will be your “drop zone.”
Step 3: Once you’ve identified the drop zone, walk (don’t run) to it, loosening your belt in the process.
Step 4: Once at the drop zone, do a quick scan for Peeping Toms, pull your pants down, and let it rip. Count to two.
Step 5: At two, pull your pants back up and walk away like nothing ever happened.
Step 6: Smile. You did it.
This lady knows exactly what we’re talking about:
Also on Maxim.com: